


Back To Seattle 2.0

by MadAboutGrey



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:40:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29086989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadAboutGrey/pseuds/MadAboutGrey
Summary: She hadn't been back to Seattle since she was 5-years old. Now she was back, ready to start her fellowship and try and put her old life behind her. TW: Domestic Violence.
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I have started rewriting Back To Seattle because to be totally honest, I’m not happy with it and I wanted to change around a few things that were stopping me from writing the sequel. The main storyline will be the same but some characters have changed and I’ve edited out various mistakes or errors that I’ve found. Enjoy!

_She sat at the bar across the street from Mass Gen. It'd been a long 36-hour shift, problem after problem kept coming up all day. She downed a second shot of tequila, not even realising her phone had ran out of battery._

_"Where the hell have you been?" She heard him before she saw him and she was frozen to her seat as he grabbed her arm, standing close beside her._

_"I've been at work," she knew the best thing to do was stay calm and keep her voice quiet._

_"Get up," his voice spat with venom as he kept his grip on her arm and she walked with him out to the dark parking lot, "I didn't realise you worked in a bar now, Meredith.”_

_"Jordan, I've been up for 36 hours straight, it was a hard day, I just needed a drink, I was about to come home," she looked to him with pleading eyes._

_"And you couldn't answer the phone? Call? Send a message?" He demanded from her, “You need sleep, not to drown yourself in alcohol and do something stupid!”_

_"My phone…" she blanked a moment as she pulled it out of her pocket. Crap. It was dead, "I didn't even realise the battery was low."_

_"It's just excuse after excuse with you, isn't it?"_

_"Jordan, please…"_

_His hand moved with force, pushing her hard against the wall behind her, "Shut up, Meredith. You don't drink unless I'm there. You know how you get after drinking. You're mine. You work and you come home, and you ask me if you want to go anywhere else."_

_"I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” her voice broke as she spoke, pain shooting through her spine from the impact with the brick wall, and her eyes betrayed her as she felt a tear fall down her cheek._

_"Don't cry, Meredith. Just get in the car, we're going home,” he said, shaking his head as he let go of his hold on her and walked toward the car._

_She didn't have her own car. He wouldn’t let her have her own car. He either drove her, or she took a taxi if he couldn’t for any reason. She stayed quiet and climbed into the passenger seat of his car. He sat in the driver's seat beside her and turned to look at her, taking her hand in his, "Meredith, I only get mad because I care about you, you know that."_

_When she didn’t turn to look at him, and didn’t respond, he used his free hand to press against her cheek, forcing her to look up at him as he glared down at her._

_"I know, Jordan, I know," she spoke in a defeated voice._

* * *

Her fear. That's all she could think about right now. That's why she sat at the corner of the bar, one eye on the door, trying to not draw attention to herself. She just needed one drink, or two, to calm her nerves before her first day tomorrow, that’s all. If these were her early college days, she'd probably have a line of empty shot glasses in front of her. But these weren't her early college days, and she couldn't afford for her senses to be completely impaired. She couldn't get comfortable. She'd made that mistake before.

Her eyes flitted to the door, her heart racing, as she heard the bell signifying someone entering the bar. She released a short breath and turned back to stare into her drink when she didn’t recognise who had walked in. It happened anytime the damned bell rang over the door.

Her fingers tightened around the cold glass containing the single vodka lemonade she was sipping at, feeling the wetness of the condensation against her fingers. An undetermined amount of time must have passed, and suddenly someone was sat in the seat beside her, causing her to jump slightly as she registered the slight numbness in her hands from the cold glass.

"Is this seat taken?"

Her eyes looked up to the stranger's face at his soft words. His soft blue eyes watching her with an obvious hint of concern, possibly noticing her jitteriness.

"Oh, erm, no," she smiled a little at him and her eyes looked back down at her drink, as though it were the most interesting thing in the room.

She could feel his eyes on her a moment longer, but she continued to ignore him, as if he weren’t even there. Speaking to someone right now would just lead to mistakes, and terrible things happening. She knew it. She knew from experience. She knew how she was after a drink.

"Double scotch single malt, please, straight."

She heard the bartenders acknowledgement, focusing on the sound of the glass against the wooden bar and the pouring of the liquid into it.

"So, what's your story?"

Meredith was snapped out of her thoughts once again as he spoke, and she looked up at him. She found herself looking into his eyes again and she could feel his gaze easing her nerves slightly as she spoke, which just stirred a whole new feeling of confusion inside her.

"It's really not… it's nothing interesting, I guess I'm just a girl in a bar," she said with a shrug, taking another sip of her drink.

“Well then, I guess I’m just a guy in a bar,” he said with a lopsided grin, taking a sip of his own drink as his eyes watched her. The way he looked at her made her feel naked, somehow, like he was seeing right through her act. She knew that couldn’t be, though. He didn’t know her.

She went silent again, her mind running at a hundred miles an hour. If he saw her here, talking to this stranger… Surely, if he knew where she was, cared that she was gone, he’d be here by now, dragging her out of the bar. Accusing her of being a whore. He probably hadn’t even realised she’d left yet. He was gone till late most days, and that was the way back in Boston. He hadn’t even noticed her when she’d walked into his office and had seen him with… _that woman._ For the third time since he’d approached the bar, the stranger’s gentle voice brought her out of her thoughts.

“What are you thinking so hard about?”

She looked up at him and let out a short, hollow laugh. Almost a scoff. She downed the remainder of the drink in her glass, letting out a deep breath as she put the glass down on the bar in front of her.

 _Screw it,_ she thought, _what’s the worst that could happen?_

“I was thinking about tequila,” the words left her mouth without much thought as she looked up and her eyes met his.

“Well then,” he chuckled and turned to the bartender, “You heard the woman, tequila it is.”

“I have a name, you know… Meredith,” she smiled toward him, biting her lip.

“Meredith,” he murmured softly, moving his hand over hers, “Derek.”

“Derek,” she smirked slightly as a shot of tequila was place in front of her, swiftly picking it up and knocking back the golden liquid with a burn down the back of her throat. She nodded to the bartender as she turned the shot glass upside down on the bar top, “Another.”

“So, what brings you here?” he asked again, persistent, and she could feel his eyes on her still as she threw back the second shot.

“Forgetting. Moving on, and forgetting,” she said with a slight smile before signalling the bartender for another shot.

“I completely understand that one,” he nodded, draining the rest of his whisky, “maybe we can help each other with forgetting?”

“Maybe we can,” she smirked, finishing off the third shot, feeling a fuzzy warmth in her brain. The tequila was definitely doing its job.

She turned to look at him again. Really look at him this time. His deep blue eyes watching her. His dark curls styled in such a way they looked far too perfect to be naturally held that way. The shirt tight around his upper arms, showing the outline of his toned muscles. Not overly muscly, and a somewhat short stature, but enough to make her slightly weak in the knees. This was bad. This was wrong. Technically, she couldn’t, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t want to. That she wouldn’t. Why should she keep a promise that he broke so easily? Why should she care so much?

“Had enough to drink?” he murmured, moving a little closer to her, his hand hovering lightly at her lower back. His hand reached into his pocket, pulling out his credit card and passing it over to the bartender, paying for both of their drinks and taking the card back before she could even formulate a protest.

“Yeah,” she breathed, her chest feeling a little tight all of a sudden with nerves, good nerves.

“What do you say we get out of here?” he spoke in a low voice, his fingers gently brushing her hair behind her ear.

Her breath caught in the back of her throat as his fingertips brushed against her skin slightly, but the fear never followed. In its place, an obvious energy started to grow between them. His hand settled at her waist, the other settling with his fingertips tracing her jawline, almost as though he was studying her. It felt weird for her to be admired this way, to feel like the only girl in the room, to feel special. It had been a long time since anyone had let her feel like this, made her feel like this.

“I really like the idea of that,” she felt the smile widening across her lips.

She moved toward him, her intent to stand up off the stool, only to realise the true impact of the tequila when she caught her foot and practically fell onto him. His hands moved to her waist, steadying her and she heard herself laughing softly as her forehead pressed into his chest slightly. His own laugh joined hers, and it was all she could hear, even in the busy bar.

“Where should we go then?” she heard his soft whispers close to her ear as his arms moved around her middle, holding her close to him.

“I’m staying in a hotel room, there’s room service, maybe champagne,” she murmured softly, looking up at him from under her lashes, “It’s actually only around the corner.”

“What are we still here for?” he asked with a slight smirk, their faces suddenly a lot closer together, feeling his breath tickle her lips slightly.

She felt a sudden magnetic pull, a need to be closer to him as her breaths started to come a little quicker, her mind not being able to come up with a single reason as to why this would be a bad idea. His eyes locked with hers and she saw a slight darkening to his iris’ as his head tilted toward her slightly. One of his hands moved from her waist, his fingers brushing into her hair as his lips touched ever so slightly against hers. As soon as she felt his touch, an urgency ran through her as she returned the kiss more fervently, one of her hands gripping at the lapel of his jacket. His arm tightened around her slightly as their lips parted, his tongue slipping into her mouth, making her gasp slightly with a moan. His lips pulled back, and it was quite possible she whimpered quietly as he pulled back to look at her.

“So, this hotel room?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes, the hotel room,” another soft giggle left her lips as she turned a little to grab her jacket off the stool and he released her as she put it on, his arm immediately returning to it’s place around her waist. She felt almost… safe. And she didn’t even know his name.

They made their way out of the bar, into the street, and she could still feel the warmth of his touch coursing through her, even in the breeze of the chilly autumn night. He pulled her closer into his side and she felt the grin widen on her lips, her hand moving across his abdomen leisurely as they approached the hotel.

All of a sudden, her back was against a wall and his lips were on hers again, her body trapped by his in a way that tightened her stomach and made her knees weak, a complete 180 on the memory she had obsessed over earlier in the bar. Their kiss intensified with growing passion, feeling a hunger for him that she definitely had never felt before for anyone. Not even the man who was supposed to be her husband. Her husband. Her cheating, asshole… she needed not to think about him right now. She would lose herself in the handsome stranger for one night, and she could already tell it would give her the confidence to get through this.

A soft moan escaped her lips as she felt his hips press into hers and he groaned softly at the noise, his lips starting to move down her neck as he murmured, “Let’s go before I end up taking you here.”

“Oh,” she gasped softly as he bit down on her neck slightly and she nodded, “Hotel, yeah.”

He took her hand and gently pulled her from the wall, his arm sliding around her waist to pull her close to him again as they continued walking, his hand lowering to her upper thigh and fidgeting with the fabric of her dress, and she could barely focus on anything else.

“I can’t keep my hands off you,” she felt his breath close to her ear in a soft murmur and she bit her lip as she felt him press a kiss just below her ear, “Especially when you do that.”

She blushed again slightly, and he kept his arm around her as they went inside the hotel and to the elevator, his hand held at her hip still. Once she had pressed the button for her floor, the doors closed behind them and his lips pressed down against hers again as he pushed her up against the back wall of the elevator. They continued where they had left off outside the bar, his hand moving up to press against her breast with a gentle squeeze, eliciting a soft moan from Meredith.

He lifted her up slightly and her legs wrapped around his waist, and he held her against him as the elevator doors opened. Thankfully, no one was standing around in the hallway and her lips moved to his ear momentarily to whisper softly, "Room 242."

Her lips kissed down his neck as he carried her to the door of her hotel room. He pressed her back against the door and lowered her to her feet, and she pulled the key card for her room out of her coat pocket. When she turned to unlock the door, he pressed up against her back and his arms wrapped around her again as the door opened, pushing them both inside and closing the door behind him with his foot, moving them both toward the bed.

She turned to face him, kicking off her heels and throwing her bag on to the side table as his fingers worked to lower the zip on the back of her dress. She shrugged the straps of the dress off her shoulders, her fingers working to unfasten the buttons of his shirt as her dress fell around her ankles, and given that he hadn’t stopped to ask questions about the marks on her skin, she assumed he couldn’t see that much detail with the lights off. She just wanted to get lost in him without any of the questions, or the concern. She just wanted to forget. Her nails grazed over his skin as she pushed his shirt down his arms, and he let it fall to the ground with her dress as he kicked off his own shoes.

Meredith sat back on the bed, leaning back on the sheets as he leaned forward over her, one knee on the bed between her thighs as his lips pressed hard against hers, gently nipping at her lower lip intermittently. He let his fingertips dance down the side of her body, not quite noticing the slight tense of her stomach as he brushed over a developed bruise on her skin.

Her hands moved to unfasten his jeans and he used his spare hand to push them down his legs, dropping them to the floor beside the bed. His lips moved to kiss down her neck, stopping to gently suck at the crook of her neck where it met her shoulder blade, and her moan rang louder in the darkness of the room. Her hands tangled into his hair as his lips travelled down her body, dancing almost in synchronisation with his fingers as he paid blind attention to each area of her body.

“Meredith,” he murmured her name softly as his lips brushed over her abdomen, his hands moving around to grip her ass.

“Hmmm?” she moaned.

“You just… Hmm,” he whispered, just as his tongue brushed over her clit.

Her body responded of its own volition, her back arching slightly as she focused on the pleasure he gave her. Focused on the movements of his tongue on her sensitive skin, his fingers starting to move in and out slowly, but gradually picking up in pace as her walls tightened around him. It had been so long since anyone had paid attention to her in this way, took their time and made her feel the pleasure that was humming through her body. She’s forgotten just how responsive her body could be as she felt her orgasm nearing, losing herself in it as one hand pulled at his curls, the other gripping the bed sheets. The dark room became darker as her climax hit, and all she could register was the way his tongue felt against her and the way his fingers curled inside her.

Her breaths came heavier as he kissed at her inner thighs before moving back up her body, the sparks of their skin coming into contact rushing through her as her body relaxed for the first time in years.

“Oh,” she gasped softly as his arm moved under her waist, lifting her further up the bed as he moved above her.

"I'm not finished with you yet," he murmured as he pressed his lips to hers a moment.

His tongue slid along her lower lip as her own tongue darted out slightly, and she could taste herself on him, igniting her arousal once more post-orgasm. His hips pressed down against hers, causing her to moan again. Her legs wrapped around him and pulled him down against her, desperate to have their bodies close together. His lips pulled back from hers and she watched his facial expressions as best as she could in the dim light as he moved his hips down, slowly entering her. All her worries, her fear, forgotten, almost numbed into non-existence, as she lost herself in the feeling of him moving slowly inside her, a passion she had never felt before. 

Just as part of her would start to panic, his fingers would run over her cheek, or he would move his lips over her neck, and she was instantly calmed. She then focused only on the feelings that rushed through her body while she was with him, the electricity that sparked between them, pushing everything else out of her mind. Derek’s lips found hers again, a gentle touch as her fingers tangled in his hair, holding him there as she kissed him back.

“That feels…” she murmured slightly.

“Amazing?” he breathed, his lips moving to her neck as his speed picked up, his hand running down her side and gripping at her hip to pull her up against him.

“Oh,” she moaned out softly as her back arched, feeling him push deeper inside her.

“Meredith,” he uttered her name as his lips moved over her collarbone, “I… fuck, so close.”

“Derek,” she heard herself crying out, hardly recalling a time she had allowed herself to be so vocal, but it just spurred on his movements further.

He moved his lips to hers again, barely touching as he moved fast and hard inside her, his movements setting her whole body on fire as she clung to him. Her brain started to go fuzzy again but she kept her eyes open and locked on his, mesmerised by the darkened blue.

“Come with me,” he murmured, their lips still barley touching as his hand moved up to her breast, pinching her nipple between his thumb and finger.

“Yes, oh,” she moaned out louder as she felt her climax take over once more, her body writhing beneath his as she became overcome with pleasure.

“Oh, fuck, yes,” he gasped, his hips moving faster as she felt his release inside her, and his lips pressed firmly on hers, their tongues battling for dominance as they came down off their high together.

He collapsed half on top of her, his lips not leaving hers as his fingers tangled into her hair, both of them breathless, but she didn’t want the kissing to stop. A wave of calm rushed over her, a sense of peace, of safety as he held her, their lips moving together in soft kisses.

“Hmm,” he hummed softly, pressing kisses along her jawline before burying his face against her neck.

“Amazing,” she murmured, her fingers moving through his hair as he kissed her neck and along her shoulder as she felt the wave of fatigue spread through her body.

“So amazing,” he breathed, shifting to the side slightly and running his fingers over the side of her body, up and down in gentle motions.

“Hmm, tired,” she murmured, her eyes studying his face in the minimal light that came through the slight gap in the curtains. She should probably tell him to leave, kick him out and never see him again. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She didn’t want to lose this feeling. She wanted to cling on to this feeling and never let it go.

“Sleep,” he murmured, leaning forward to gently kiss her with a slight smirk, “Maybe we can do that again in the morning.”

He reached for the sheets and pulled them up over them both, staying close beside Meredith and sliding his arm around her stomach with a gentle grip, pulling her back against him, which she couldn’t bring herself to protest. As she felt herself beginning to doze off, she felt his lips press softly against the side of her head, and she just couldn't shake the feeling of being safe there in his arms, the same way she had felt just earlier with him in the bar. She wanted to feel like this forever.

_And I can still see it all in my mind,  
All of you, all of me, intertwined,  
I once believed love would be burning red,  
But it's golden._


	2. Chapter 2

His eyes opened slowly, a slight pounding in his head and a dryness in his mouth as he took in the sight beside him in the room he didn’t recognise. This definitely wasn’t his room. The woman he’d met the night before had rolled over onto her stomach, and the sheets had fallen down to her waist, the sunlight coming through the gap in curtains casting a strip of light across her back. He could hear the sound of an alarm, or a ringing, coming from across the room, most likely from her phone still in her bag that had been thrown haphazardly across the room when they had stumbled in the night before.

His eyes moved over her bare back, his fingers lightly tracing the outline of her body, stopping over a purpling bruise that reached from just beside her stomach and around her back, over where her kidneys would be. As his fingers traced over the middle of the bruise, he felt her body tense and he heard her breath hitch slightly, meaning she was definitely awake. He withdrew his hand just as she quickly moved out of the bed, grabbing a robe, and pulling it on, shielding herself from view, as though there was more to hide.

He tried to think back to the night before. The sex was good.. it was amazing, but they hadn’t been rough. They couldn’t have caused a bruise like that to happen. And that bruise looked like it was fading. He didn’t know why but his heart started racing. It was entirely plausible she’d fallen over, and the bruise had been caused by accident, but something made him angry, like there was someone out there who needed to pay for hurting her. This woman he barely knew. The beautiful, sort of shy until you got tequila in her, woman.

She moved over to her bag, her hand running through her hair and he continued to study her as she fidgeted with the phone, turning the noise off as she muttered to herself. She didn’t look up at him yet, but he saw as she rolled her eyes and flung the phone back down on the table, almost as though she was pissed off with it.

“Everything okay?” His voice came out surprisingly rough and he cleared his throat a moment as she turned around to look at him, almost as though she had forgotten he was there. There eyes met a moment before she looked away again.

“I have to get ready and… I’m going to take a shower, and when I get back, you won’t be here,” she looked up again, her cheeks slightly blushed as he climbed out the bed and pulled his boxers on, “So, I’ll see you, uhm…”

“Derek,” he offered up with a slight chuckle, “My name is Derek.”

“Right, Derek, like I said,” she nodded a little before grabbing a small bag and moving over to the bathroom, quick to lose the door behind her, leaving him stood alone, half naked in her hotel room.

He heard the water of the shower running and ran his hand over his hair. He never did this, the one night stand thing. He was pretty sure his divorce had changed him. He sighed before moving around the room, pulling his clothes on, and grabbing his phone, keys, and wallet. He didn’t want to leave. He felt this amazing pull towards her, as skittish as she was, and he wanted to stay. But she was totally skittish, so he should probably go, and he was going to be late for surgery anyway. He ran his hand through his hair once more, looking around the room and noticing a pad and pen on the dressing table. He grabbed the pen, quickly writing out his number and his name on the pad, smiling to himself before leaving the room. Hopefully, he’d see her again.

* * *

Thankfully, she’d made it to the hospital that morning on time for her first day, making a beeline to Richard Webber’s office. She hadn’t been back to the place since she was five years old, and now at thirty, she could still somehow find her way around the place, like muscle memory. As she approached his office, she noticed the door to his office had been left open and she stepped inside slightly, knocking on the door as she did so.

“Meredith Grey!” He grinned at her as he looked up from where he sat at the desk.

“Hey, Dr Webber,” she said with a fake grin plastered across her face, closing the door behind her.

“I know I said this yesterday, but it’s just so surreal seeing you all grown up,” he exclaimed with a chuckle as he stood up from his chair, moving around to the front of the desk, leaning back against it as he clasped his hands together in front of him, “Ready to get stuck in with your fellowship?”

“I’m more than ready, Dr Webber,” she said with a slight laugh, only he had no idea to the actual extent to which she was ready and thankful to be on the West Coast, rather than on the East Coast.

“So, as we discussed, your time will be split between time in the OR and time dedicated to your very promising research,” she nodded as she listened to him, and he led her out of his office, “We just need to go down to HR an get things signed, pick up your pass, all the boring admin stuff, and we can have a quick tour around, things have changed and been added since you were last running around these halls.”

She walked beside him as he continued to make conversation with her. As they reached the HR office, he left her to fill out and sign paperwork as she spoke with another member of staff regarding a separate matter. Meredith made small talk with the clerk as she was passed her pager and pass, and she handed the paperwork back.

Richard turned his attention back to her and they made their way back towards the surgical floor of the hospital, as he explained the more recent updates to the hospital’s ORs and research facilities. As they walked, she attached the pager to the waistband of her jeans and clipped her pass to the pocket of the white lab coat she’d also been given that was embroidered with her name.

She could feel the eyes of her new co-workers on her as they walked through the main doors that lead to the OR floor. The looks wouldn’t bother her so much if she weren’t so painfully aware of how much she looked like her mother who had worked there up until a few months prior. That’s another thing she had to go and sort out later today, her mother.

Richard led her up to the gallery hallway. All the operating rooms were in use which, according to Richard, wasn’t all that rare an occurrence. Hence, stepping into each gallery for the quick tour would have to suffice for now until she could use her own time later in the day to become more familiar with the placements of each OR on the floor below.

She watched with great intrigue and interest as they looked in on each surgery being performed. A paediatric case in the first, cardio-thoracic in the second, and then they came into the third room, where the gallery overlooked a hemispherectomy taking place, a few residents sat in the seats closely following the surgery being performed. She looked down below as Richard spoke his praises of Dr Shepherd, the head of neurosurgery, and her new boss, who was operating below.

The best neurosurgeon the west coast had seen, and he'd managed to get him to work at Seattle Grace around a month ago, which had greatly improved the various different ratings of the hospital in that short time. As he spoke, Meredith looked a little closer at the head surgeon and as he turned to speak to the resident beside him, she caught a look at his side profile, recognising him almost immediately.

She turned her face away, looking back at Richard so that if the man below looked up, he shouldn't be able to recognise her. After what felt like too long, probably made worse by the fact she wanted nothing but to leave the room as fast as she could, Richard led her out of the room and they continued with the tour, and Meredith tried as hard as she could to relinquish all thoughts she may have had pertaining to a certain neurosurgeon who happened to also be her boss.

Unfortunately, her attempts at avoiding Derek had the complete opposite affect desired. She bid farewell to Dr Robbins and made her way back up to the cafeteria via the stairwell, knowing that Dr Webber and Dr Bailey were still waiting for her. After a brief further conversation with them, the rest of her day was spent getting situated in her shared office space with other fellows, greeting the various doctors she saw around the hospital, and getting herself familiar with the research facilities. She wasn't on the board to operate until tomorrow, allowing her the day to get settled in. Part of her needed the time in the OR, though. It helped her with the compartmentalisation that she had done a lot of today. In the OR, she could block anything out from her mind when she concentrated everything she had on the patient in front of her. She found herself being forced to not think about Derek Shepherd.

* * *

He'd heard people talking about her all day. He'd even been asked his thoughts directly by Dr Torres. Of course, he had none on the matter. Ellis Grey's daughter was supposedly starting at the hospital that morning, and he felt like he'd heard people talking about her for the past week since it had been announced she'd be coming to work with them. But for the whole morning, he'd hadn’t been able to get the image of her face out of his mind. The girl he'd slept with, last night, in her hotel room. He had so many questions, all of them left unanswered. He didn't even get her name.

Scrubbing out of his first surgery of the day, he still couldn't keep the thoughts of her out of his head. He walked out of the scrub room and made his way down to post-op to check on his patient who had just been taken down. Dr Robbins caught up with him as he stepped onto the elevator, grabbing his attention.

"Have you seen her? She looks exactly like her mother. I wonder if she acts like her as well," Arizona scoffed a little as Derek looked to her with a questioning gaze, “Everyone knows she’s neuro, haven’t you met with her yet?”

"No, I haven’t, I’ve been in surgery all morning, you know, working. Why is this all anyone can talk about? Is there actually nothing more interesting going on?" He said with a laugh, stepping off the elevator with her onto the post-op ward.

Arizona shrugged with a laugh herself, "I guess nothing interesting has happened around here in a while."

He shook his head with another laugh as they parted ways. He entered the room where his resident was taking vitals, the patient having not woken up yet, and probably wouldn’t for a while. He checked over the patient himself before leaving the resident with strict post-op instructions. He checked the time on his watch as he left the room, thinking it was about time he grabbed something to eat.

He went into the cafeteria and grabbed his usual lunch, boxed salad and fruit mix, taking them over to the register and ordering himself a large coffee. He definitely needed it after the night he'd had. As he stood waiting for his drink, his eyes scanned the room as he usually did, people watching. That's when he saw her, stood across the room next to Richard. He grabbed his drink as it was passed to him, and picked up the paper bag containing his food, but when he turned around to approach them, she'd gone, and Richard was speaking with Dr Bailey. Maybe he'd imagined her there? He shook his head a little and sighed as he made his way back out the communal room, in the direction of his office.

He approached the elevator, stepping on and standing towards the back. He closed his eyes a moment, remembering back to the previous night, and he swore he could hear her soft voice just as clearly as if she had been there. In fact, he was sure he was hearing her voice. His eyes snapped open, seeing her stood towards the front of the elevator, and he watched as she made polite conversation with Dr Robbins in the elevator.

He couldn't keep his eyes off her, her face framed with the loose waves of her hair. The elevator stopped on the next floor and a few people exited the elevator and he saw her head look up as the doors opened, a look of anxiety flash across her expression for just a second. You wouldn't have seen it if you weren't watching her. Her eyes fixed on him as she noticed him watching her, widening slightly and looked to the doors of the elevator again that were closing just as Arizona noticed him stood there as well.

"Derek! Meet Dr Grey, remember I was telling you about her this morning?" Dr Robbins grabbed his attention, completely missing the look shared between Meredith and Derek, "Dr Grey, this is Dr Shepherd, he’s our head of neuro."

“It’s good to meet you, Dr Grey,” Derek said as he rolled his eyes at Arizona and stepped forward to stand with them, watching as Meredith nodded her head slightly and held her hand out in greeting.

"I've heard great things, from Chief Webber no less," she mentioned.

"As have I about you, Dr Grey," he took her hand in his, returning the greeting, his eyes shifting to the embroidered name on her white coat, Dr Meredith Grey. He was still in slight disbelief, holding her hand a moment longer than necessary, but she pulled her hand back from his first. Arizona was talking again but he didn't hear a word of what she was saying.

“This is where I get off, see you around," he gave them both a smile as the elevator stopped, his eyes lingering on Meredith a little longer than was necessary before stepping off the elevator, shaking his head in disbelief. He definitely hadn’t seen that coming.

* * *

As she sat at the chair in her office, getting herself familiar with the hospital systems, which really were quite similar to the systems used at Mass Gen, her phone rang from her bag beside her feet. Normally, that wouldn't be cause for panic, but the phone that was ringing was her old phone. When she'd moved back to Seattle, she'd got a new phone, with a new number. She wasn't sure why she kept the old one. She was supposed to throw it out, leave it behind. She reached into the bag, and the person calling her was exactly the person she expected to be calling. Jordan. She felt a heavy weight in her stomach as she stared at the phone screen. After a moment, the phone stopped ringing and it went back to the regular home-screen showing her, she had 10 missed calls, 3 voicemails and 5 text messages all from that same person.

_Where are you?_

_If you know what's good for you, you'll answer the damn phone._

_This isn't funny, Meredith. You've been gone for over 24h and you know you should always be contactable and no surgery lasts 24 hours._

_I phoned the hospital. They said you didn't work there anymore. What's going on, Meredith?_

_Meredith, please, baby, call me. Let me know where you are. I'm worried._

She stuffed the phone back in her bag, her mouth dry as her heart continued to race in her chest. She couldn't do this here. She couldn't fall apart here. She looked to the clock, it was finally five and she could head back to her hotel room and hide away again. She gathered her things, putting away things she didn't need till the morning and putting the few things in her bag she was taking home with her. She switched the battery in her pager to ensure it lasted till the morning. She hung up her white coat and pulled her outside coat on and grabbed her bag, the strap over her shoulder held in place with her hand as she walked out of the office and in the direction of the car park.

As she approached her car, unlocking it, she heard her name being called from behind her. She wasn't ashamed to say she pretended not to hear him. Well maybe she was, a little. He just moved closer and said her name again though, slightly persistent. She couldn't ignore him now. She turned, pushing her hair behind her ear with a small smile as she spoke, "Dr Shepherd?"

He looked a little startled at her formality, "Oh, Dr Grey, I was wondering, do you want to go for a drink?"

She had two choices. She could let him down gently, or she could push him away, hard. She decided against the latter. She really was trying hard to not act like her mother, anyhow.

"I'm sorry, I have to be somewhere. And had I known, beforehand, that we would be working together… I make it a rule not to date co-workers, specifically my boss," she offered him a small smile with her explanation as she opened the trunk of her car to put her bag in. He didn't need to know the technicalities of the situation. She closed the trunk and walked back round to the driver side of the car.

"Okay, I mean, I get that. I guess I'll see you around then?" He watched her closely, not totally believing her whole story but having no reason to say otherwise.

"Goodnight, Dr Shepherd,” Meredith nodded in response, climbing into the car. Keeping it formal between them would probably be best.

* * *

She sat on the bed in her empty hotel room, pulling her laptop out of her bag and connecting to the hotel internet. She'd had five more missed calls from Jordan since she'd checked her phone earlier and she knew the longer she left it, the worse it was going to be. She needed to come up with something that would keep him out of Seattle for now, though.

She'd just been to see her mother at the nursing home, and that had worsened her mood even further. She wasn't sure if she preferred her mother before or after the Alzheimer's had been diagnosed, and now she was working at the hospital that knew her mother's legacy, work style and ethic, and she was pretty sure they were all about to hold her up to that standard, or expect the same from her.

She'd managed to keep her relationship with Jordan as far from her mother as possible. She hadn’t even shown up at the wedding. But since Jordan had… well she stopped visiting and made up excuses or left town when her mother came to visit. For all her faults, Ellis Grey was very observant, and she'd never get anything past her.

She pulled up the emails on her computer, finding she had messages from Jordan on there as well that she hadn’t seen yet. She rolled her eyes. This needed to be dealt with before he found out from someone else and showed up in Seattle. That's the last thing that she needed.

She picked up the phone off the side table, pulling up Jordan’s contact information. She hesitated a moment, taking a breath before dialling his number, putting the phone to her ear. She listened as it rang three times before he answered. She cringed slightly as she heard his voice on the other end.

_"Meredith! Where are you? Where did you go?"_

"Hey, Jordan, sorry, I had to fly to Seattle, yesterday morning and I couldn't get hold of you, and then the flight and I got caught up with things," not a total lie, she did have to fly out that morning, the next part though? Definitely a lie.

"The home called for my mother, she's had to go into hospital for a while," back to not lying again, "they also need me to be here to sign over power of attorney, deal with her property, that sort of thing..." her voice trailed off as she waited for his response.

_"Okay, but what about the hospital? They said you don't work there anymore?"_

"Yeah, I start my fellowship, remember? At Brigham, they've pushed the start date for me, so I can deal with Ellis."

_"I wish you'd tell me these things, Meredith, I thought you'd tried to leave me."_

"Oh, no, no, nothing like that…" As she spoke, her heart raced, ignoring the fact she had told him about her fellowship starting, and she was supposed to have been doing it at Brigham. Except the second part, about her leaving him, that's exactly what she was trying to do, the lawyers were just taking a little longer than expected.

_"Can you get home before the weekend after next? You know I have that work event, and everyone expects you to be there, what will they think if you don't show? You wouldn't embarrass me like that would you?"_

"I'll let you know, I'm not sure if…"

_"Try harder, Meredith."_

She could tell by the tone of his voice there was only one answer he'd expect from her right now, "I'll be there, I'll make it work. I'll be there for the evening."

_"Good. Keep your phone on and answer next time I call."_

"Okay, I need to go, accounts to sort out. I'll speak to you in the morning?"

_"We'll speak when I call, Meredith."_

With that he ended the call. She dropped the phone down on the bed and let out a long breath. She'd need to talk to Richard tomorrow. She'd go back for that one evening, and it would keep him at bay. The lawyers had got back to her after she'd left her lunch with Richard yesterday afternoon, it would be at least two weeks until they could go ahead.

She closed the laptop and slid it back in her bag, placing both her new and old phone on charge before she stripped her clothes and climbed into the bed, ready to get to sleep. Today had been a lot harder than she thought it was going to be.

_I've been watching you walk,_   
_I've been learning the way that you talk,_   
_The back of your head is at the front of my mind,_   
_Soon I'll crack it open just to see what's inside your mind._


	3. Chapter 3

No-one really knew quite what to think of Doctor Meredith Grey. She wasn't purposefully being quiet, she didn't think she was a quiet person, but she had definitely closed herself off. She could hold the attention of residents and had their respect while she operated and taught them, but she pretty much cut herself off from everyone else when she was buried in her research, that even Derek hadn't seen yet. She didn't eat in the cafeteria, keeping to her office at mealtimes, but she would make the odd appearance at the coffee cart out the front of the hospital. She was an expert in small talk that didn't reveal too much about herself and would excuse herself from a conversation when people started asking too many personal questions. All anyone really seemed to know about her was that she was the daughter of Doctor Ellis Grey and she barely left the hospital, and she was glad it had been that way so far.

She'd had minimal contact with Derek in the past two weeks she'd been at the hospital, which had also been done purposefully. If they needed to talk, it was generally about a patient, and if it could be said in an email, she would send it in an email. She didn't know if he suspected anything after that morning, but she didn't want to find out. He'd tried to have more of a conversation with her, but she didn't let it get more than small talk about the weather, or about a surgery one of them had coming up. And it was always out in the open, never behind a closed door.

Except now, she needed to see if she could get that weekend off, which meant she'd have to speak with him face to face, in his office. She found herself pacing back and forth near the doorway to the office, twisting the watch on her wrist back and forth as she tried to come up with something, anything she could say to explain why she needed the time off.

"Dr Grey?" she looked up to see him leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Oh, Dr Shepherd," her fingers froze over her wrist as she continued to look at him.

"Everything okay?" he asked with a slight frown.

"Yeah, I mean… I just, wanted to ask a favour," she said as she stepped toward him.

"Do you want to come in?" he asked, stepping into his office. She's avoided being alone in a room with him all week, but now she couldn't really do that. It was bound to have happened at some point.

"Yeah, okay," she nodded, stepping into the office.

"You can sit down if you want," he offered as he moved to lean against the front of his desk, half sat on it.

"No, that's okay," she shook her head, biting her lip a moment as she tried to formulate the words in her head.

"Meredith," he said, his voice slightly lower and she registered the slightly darkened look in his eyes.

"Dr Shepherd," she started, breaking her eye contact with him, "I saw that you've put me in for the ER on Saturday night and I was wondering if maybe I could switch to Sunday night? I need to fly back to Boston Friday night to sort some things out, but I'll be back Sunday, early afternoon. I'll owe you one."

"First of all, breathe," he said with a slight chuckle, "Second of all, I can cover your Saturday night, you don't need to work the Sunday instead."

"Oh, you don't… are you sure? I can cover any other time for you that you need," she insisted, finding herself stepping a little closer to him.

"It's not a problem, I wasn't doing anything anyhow, and like you said, you'll owe me one," he said with a slight smirk.

"Right, okay. Thank you," she nodded with a smile, "I haven't booked any surgeries for this weekend so there shouldn't be anything else."

"When do you fly out?" he asked, moving around his desk to sit in his chair.

"Friday, the flight leaves just after six."

"Do you want a ride to the airport?" he asked, glancing up at her as he loaded his computer.

"I… you don't have to. I should be okay, I'll probably just get a cab from here," she shrugged, the sudden urge to leave the room overwhelming her.

"I don't mind. See what happens Friday afternoon, if I'm free I can drive you, it's no problem," he offered her another smile.

"It just seems like a lot to ask and you're already covering my ER shift on Saturday."

"Meredith, it's okay. I want to be your friend, let me be your friend."

"You want to be my friend?"

"Yes, and friends drive each other to the airport."

"Oh, right…"

"You seem like you could use a friend, that's all."

"A friend would be nice," she nodded, swallowing a little as she edged toward the door, "I need to go, I'll uh… see you around."

"Okay, maybe we can grab lunch tomorrow before you go?"

"Maybe… I'll see if there's time and, yeah, maybe," she rushed as she opened the door and left the office without another word. He was getting too close. He was edging and pushing and getting too close. But she couldn't think about that now.

She really didn't want to go back but she was pretty sure it could make things worse if she didn't. She was still waiting on the lawyers to sort everything and in the meantime, she couldn't let on to what was happening. She couldn't just disappear, and Seattle would've been one of the first places he'd look anyway, given her mom was here. And if her mom hadn't been put into residential care, she would've moved halfway across the world to get away from him.

It had been years since she'd spend more than one night away from Jordan, and she'd found this new sense of freedom. Other than the single phone call they shared a day, she felt a sense of relief not having him force her into a small box and behave exactly as he wanted her to. She could be her own person in Seattle. She could control what people knew about her and she could have her own personality – not that she'd let on to having one just yet. She still needed to keep to herself for a while.

She knew she would never truly be free until she was legally free from him. Until he lost all control of her. She'd debated discussing the situation with Richard, but she knew better than to risk anything going wrong. Through Ellis, Richard knew that Meredith was married and would ask about Jordan, what he was doing, when he would be moving to Seattle. She'd made up answers when he asked. Jordan was doing fine. He'd be moving at the end of the month to join her in Seattle – he was definitely not doing that though. Not if she could stop him.

* * *

She sat at her desk, her fingers rubbing at her eyes. She was tired, so tired. The nightmares that she'd thought were starting to settle had come back full force and she'd had about three hours' sleep the night before. She was due to fly out at six and it was almost two, and she really needed to get going. She just couldn't bring herself to get up out of the chair and go.

"So, we can pick up some lunch on the way, I was thinking, I'll even let you eat in my car," his voice came from the doorway and she looked up, jumping slightly.

"Don't you knock?" she murmured, lowering her face into her hands.

"Are you okay?" he asked, and she looked up again to see him frowning at her.

"I'm fine," she sighed, trying to control the slight shaking in her hands as she started to gather her things.

"Well, I'm free to give you that lift to the airport if you want," he shrugged, his hands moving into his coat pockets.

"You really don't have to do that," she said as she pulled on her coat.

"Friends, Meredith. Friends driving each other to the airport and grabbing lunch."

"You're my boss," she said with a slight laugh.

"And where does it say we can't be friends?" He grinned at her as she grabbed her bag, "Do you have everything, or do you need to stop at home?"

"Oh, no, I have everything. I'm bringing things back, so I don't need to take anything and… I'm still at the hotel," she said with a small smile, her hands moving into her coat pockets as she moved out of the room with him.

"Haven't found a place yet?" he asked, walking beside her as they headed out to the car park.

"Something like that," she shrugged, "I just have some things I have to settle back in Boston, so I'm staying in the hotel for now."

"Fair enough," he nodded, holding the door open for her as they went outside.

"Yeah," she smiled slightly as they approached his car, "you really don't have to do this, you know."

"I know, but I want to," he said as he unlocked the door, opening the passenger side door for her.

"Thank you," she got in the car, dropping her bag in the footwell before putting her seatbelt on as he got in the driver's side, "and I ate earlier, so no need to stop for lunch."

"So, how has your first two weeks been? I haven't had a chance to catch up with you about that, as your boss."

"It's been… welcoming? Everyone is friendly, or at least I think… they ask a lot of questions," she said with a slight frown, "and then there's the whole mother thing, but it's… it's been good."

"Hmm, people always seem to be talking around here, a little intrusive but they mean well for the most part, I think. When I started two months ago, well, the questions have finally started to slow down," he chuckled, "and what about your mother? Is she okay? I guess, relatively speaking."

"Relatively speaking, she's okay. Settled in the home. No one has actually asked if she's okay," she said with a slight laugh, trying to ignore the bundle of nerves knotting in her stomach, "it's more the… expectation, and the specialty choice, and I know she could be a… cold woman, but that's not me, at least I don't think it is."

"I didn't get the chance to work with her, or even meet her, but I don't think you're cold. And the specialty choice, you have a gift, an affinity for neurosurgery. Just because your mom did general doesn't mean you have to follow exactly in her footsteps," he pointed out.

"That's… nice of you to say," she said with a slight smile, gripping her fingers as she continued to try and calm her nerves.

"I'm an honest man, Dr Grey," he said, glancing at her with a soft grin that quickly turned to a frown, "are you okay?"

"Can you, I need… can you pull over? I need air, I need…" she could feel her breaths coming heavier as she gripped the door handle.

"Yeah, just…"

She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt the car pull over and the engine stop, her fingers fumbling over the door handle to open the door. She felt his hand touch her shoulder but quickly move away as she flinched involuntarily.

"Stay there a minute," she vaguely heard his voice and before she knew it the door was open beside her.

She opened her eyes and he stood there; his hand held out to her. She took his hand, squeezing it slightly as she got out the car, releasing it again as she walked on to the grass verge, starting to pace back and forth as she tried to, unsuccessfully, to stop the panic attack that was looming.

She stopped suddenly as he stood in front of her, frowning as he watched her, and she met his eyes a moment before looking away. She turned around and started pacing again, her breaths coming quicker as her hand moved to her chest.

"Meredith," he snapped slightly, his hand almost grabbing her shoulder when she looked to him again, her eyes watering, and he spoke softer, "Meredith, stop, sit down."

"I can't… I can't," she gasped slightly, shaking her head.

"Let me… can I?" he asked, holding his hand out to her cautiously.

"Oh," she gasped again, holding her hand to him, "Yeah, that's… that's okay."

"Okay," he said softly, taking her hand, "you need to just stop, a moment, sit down. The grass seems dry, or we can go back to the car."

"Here is okay, here is fine," she nodded, keeping a tight grip on his hand as she sat on the ground with him.

"Deep breaths, okay? Just a few deep breaths," he murmured softly.

"Trying, trying," she murmured, leaning into him slightly.

"I know," he said, his hand gently rubbing her upper back, "just breathe."

She nodded, her head on his shoulder as she leaned closer into him, his touch calming her more than she cared to admit. She squeezed his hand gently, and she felt his lips press against the top of her head.

"Do you need to talk about it? I can listen."

"I can't, I don't… I can't talk about it, really, I just."

"That's okay, if you can't… that's okay."

"I don't want to get on that plane."

"Then why are you?"

"I have to, if I don't… it'll be worse if I don't and I just need to get it over with."

"Do you still have my number?"

"I… your number?" she frowned slightly, she didn't think she'd ever been given his phone number, she didn't know why she'd need it.

"Yeah, I remember leaving my number for you. In case you need anything," he explained, his fingers running over her hair.

"I don't, I don't have your number," she murmured, closing her eyes as she focused on the feeling of his fingers running through her hair. She shouldn't enjoy this. She shouldn't let herself this close to him, but she just couldn't keep herself away.

"You should take it, in case you need me, or someone, another thing that friends are there for," he said, gently squeezing his arm around her shoulders.

"That's probably a good idea, actually," she said with a slight laugh.

"You're making me nervous about letting you on that plane," he chuckled softly.

"I'll be okay," she went quiet again, "We really should get going, I can't miss that plane as much as I don't want to get on it."

"Come on, let's go then," he said as he stood up, pulling her up with him.

"I'll put my number in your phone, you message me and then I'll have your number," she said as they got back in the car.

Before pulling back into traffic, he handed her his phone, unlocked. She took it and typed her number in as a new contact before placing it in the centre console of his car. She grabbed her own phone, saving his number.

"You can take a picture of me if you want," he grinned, glancing over at her.

"Maybe another time," she laughed softly, putting her phone back in her bag. She picked up her other phone, seeing it ringing and Jordan's face flash up on the screen. She needed to answer; if she didn't answer he'd think something was going on. She glanced to Derek, speaking softly, "I just have to take this."

"Okay," he nodded, turning down the volume on the radio as she answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Are you at the airport?"

"I'm… no, something came up with my mom. I'll be there tomorrow; I'm going to take the first flight out."

"For god's sake, Meredith, why are you just telling me now? Are you definitely going to make it here tomorrow?"

"I'll be there. I told you I'd be there, and I'll be there."

"Don't speak to me like that. Just… make sure you're here."

"Okay," she said, her voice going quiet.

"Message me when your flight gets in. I miss you."

"I miss you too," she whispered, and the line went dead, and if he didn't normally end calls without a goodbye, or anything of the sort, she'd think the signal had cut off. She put the phone back in the bag and looked out the window, not quite ready to see the look on Derek's face yet.

"You have two phones," he commented, turning the radio back up slightly.

"Yeah, kind of. For now," she shrugged.

"Part of the thing you can't talk about?"

"Yeah," she nodded, glancing over at him as he pulled up at the drop off-zone at Sea-Tac, "Thanks, for everything."

"It's okay, really," he returned her smile, "I'm free Sunday, so I can pick you up if needed, let me know."

She gave him a nod and leaned forward to press a soft kiss to his cheek, catching him off guard a moment. His hand moved to her arm, a gentle touch she didn't quite expect but she somehow managed to not flinch at. His lips gently touched her cheek as she felt heat rush to them, and she pulled back, putting her bag over her shoulder, "I'll see you on Sunday, maybe, I'll let you know."

"Call me if you need anything," he said as she climbed out the car. She watched after shutting the door as he gave her a small wave before driving off.

She turned and headed straight for the terminal. She went through security, her head in bit of a daze as she waited for the flight to be called. She was still going to Boston tonight; she just wasn't going to go straight back to that apartment. She couldn't. She really couldn't spend the night. That was… too much. She wouldn't make it if she had to spend the night. She could get a hotel room for the night and hopefully he wouldn't pick her up from the airport. He never had before, not that she ever really travelled, but he still might. She'd cross that bridge when she came to it. She just couldn't bring herself to face him tonight. She needed more time.

* * *

The plane landed in Boston late afternoon, east coast time, and Meredith found herself unable to control the slight shake of her hands as she walked through the airport to grab a cab to the nearby hotel she'd booked whilst on the plane.

She paid and thanked the taxi driver before climbing out with her bag on her shoulder and heading to check in. She heard the vibration of her phone in her bag as she checked in and took it out of her bag, seeing Jordan's name come up on the screen with a message. _Send your flight information._

She put the phone back in her bag and pulled out her newer phone. She couldn't wait to just have one phone again. She'd intended to look up the flight information, just so he would have some sort of fabrication of the lie she was telling, so he didn't ask too many questions, but she had a message from Derek waiting for her.

_Just got out of surgery, how was the flight?_

She couldn't help but smile at the message and added his number into her contacts before responding to his message as she waited for the elevator to reach her floor.

_Just got to my hotel, how was your surgery?_

She kept the phone in her hand as she found her room and unlocked the door, turning the light on as she stepped inside. Releasing a soft breath, she shut the door behind her and moved to go sit on the bed, dropping her bag at her feet. The phone buzzed in her hand.

_Do you just live in hotels?_ _Surgery was a success, got the whole tumour._

She grinned, part of her wanted to hear his voice, a very small part of her. She lay back on the bed, holding her phone above her. She was feeling far too much than she should be. She was married. She should probably tell him that. Hopefully, she wouldn't be married much longer, maybe he would understand if she told him the whole story. Maybe he'd never speak to her again. She wouldn't blame him if she didn't. She moved to lay on her side as she keyed a reply to him.

_Apparently, I do. And that's good_ _, I need to get some sleep, 3 hours ahead and all that. Goodnight, Derek._

_Goodnight, Meredith._

She groaned softly in frustration as she sat up again, reaching into her bag for her other phone and both chargers, putting her phones on charge. Looking at her old phone, she remembered she needed to send Jordan a message with the time she'd be there tomorrow. She pulled up flights on her phone, seeing there was one at 5am Seattle time, which would be 8am Boston time… so she'd supposedly land at around 2pm? She sighed. She quickly typed out the message, waiting for his reply before she could go to sleep.

Realising she didn't have a change of clothes with her, she took off the clothes she was wearing, put them neat on the chair in the room and put on a hotel-given robe. She could shower in the morning. Now, she just needed sleep. She checked the phone again to see if she had a reply from Jordan. No response, but he'd read the message. That would have to do.

Before climbing into the bed, she set an alarm for around the time she'd have boarded her supposed flight, so she could message and let him know. She just really hoped he didn't want to pick her up from the airport. That would pose a whole new problem for her.

_I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us  
_ _Some day I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us_


	4. Chapter 4

She groaned as she heard the sound of the alarm waking her up. She reached over and grabbed the offending phone, her old phone, turning off the alarm and typing out a message to Jordan. He still hadn't replied to her previous message.

_Boarding plane now, will let you know when I land._

She reset her alarm to make sure she was at least up by midday, just in case, and tried to go back to sleep. She wasn’t all that tired now, and if she forced herself to sleep, she was more likely to have nightmares and she’d rather be tired tomorrow than have to deal with those.

She picked up her newer phone, re-reading the messages between her and Derek. What if she’d met Derek all those years ago? Before she met Jordan, or even, earlier on in her relationship with him. Would she have felt this same attraction? Was she just feeling this attraction because he was someone who cared about her?

She didn’t wasn’t to lead Derek on, that was the last thing she wanted to do. But when she was around him, it took a lot of her willpower to not give in like she had on that first night. She definitely couldn’t go getting drunk around him again. Jordan was right, she was kind of a whore when she drank, as she had already proven.

Maybe she should stay in Boston. Jordan loved her. He had his faults, everyone has their faults, but he said he loved her. He always said he loved her, and that he missed her, and maybe she was just being ridiculous about all of this. He was her husband. They’d said vows. She couldn’t just… no, she had to. He wasn’t going to stop hurting her. Or maybe he would. Maybe they just needed to talk about it. Maybe she should just talk about it with him. There had to be some other outlet for his frustration than on herself, and they could make this work. She definitely didn’t need to be tricking herself into thinking she was falling in love with her new boss. That seemed drastic.

She drew a deep breath as her eyes started to water. She didn’t know what to do. All of it was just so confusing, this constant battle in her mind over what was right and wrong. Jordan had cheated on her, she’d seen that with her own eyes. He had hurt her, physically, that definitely happened. But he wasn’t a bad guy, he wasn’t a horrible person. He was the guy who helped her find her way in med school. He had been there when her relationship with her mother broke down, when all her other friends had left. He’d promised to take care of her, to look after her, provide for her. They had problems. Every marriage had problems. Maybe he wouldn’t be so frustrated if she could actually conceive a baby, like they had wanted for so long.

She’d had all the tests done, she’d sat through them all and they couldn’t find anything wrong. Yet, she still hadn’t gotten pregnant and he was adamant it wasn’t him, so surely there must be something that was missed, or maybe they just had really bad luck, but they had been trying for the past year. Well, not the past couple months. She’d been… cautious the past few months. She’d planned on leaving him, she couldn’t get pregnant, then there would have been no way out. But did she really have to leave him? Was that really necessary?

The sound of her alarm going off pulled her out of her thoughts and reached over to turn it off. She needed a shower, she still felt disgusting from the plane ride over, and she needed to stop thinking. She got up and dragged herself into the bathroom, turning on the hot water of the shower before sitting on the edge of the bath and looking around the room and not seeing a towel. She went back into the main room, opening the closet to grab a clean towel. As she did, she noticed her old phone had lit up with a new message. She crossed the room with her towel in hand to check it.

_See you at home._

At least he wasn't picking her up from the airport. She went back into the bathroom, setting the towel down and taking off the robe before stepping into the shower. For about five minutes, she just let the water fall over her, the fear finally starting to set in. In two hours, she'd be back at their apartment, and have to face whatever mood he was in. She had left and been gone for over two weeks. That didn’t happen. They didn’t spend time apart. She hadn’t even told him when she left. She’d had every excuse to not tell him, she’d caught him fucking some random red head and she was angry. But he would be angrier. The sooner she dealt with it, the sooner she could be back in Seattle.

* * *

An hour later, she was down in the lobby checking herself out and paying for the room. As she took her purse out, she almost made the mistake of paying with the joint account she held with Jordan. That would definitely be a bad idea. She'd managed to open an account using the address for her mother's old house for her wages and the money she'd been squirrelling away for the past year. She quickly paid for the room and headed out to the street, looking side to side to get her bearings. She checked the time on her watch. It was just turning 1pm, so she had an hour until he expected her to have at least landed.

She spotted a coffee shop across the street and headed over there, grabbing herself a large coffee to fend off any tiredness she felt and sat at a table in the back corner. She took out her new phone, taking this time to send a quick message to Derek. She could be friends. She could do friends, maybe. And she didn’t want him to worry about her. Worry led to questions that she didn’t want to answer.

_Figured I should check in with you, as your friend._

She took a sip of her coffee, her phone sat on the table in front of her. She couldn't help the smile that spread across her lips as the phone lit up with his response.

_How's the trip going?_

_It’s going. Have I missed anything exciting?_

_Not yet, but maybe later, we’ll see. Up to anything exciting?_

_Not quite yet._ _I have to go now, might not message till tomorrow. I might take you up on that offer, will confirm my landing tomorrow_.

She took that moment to make a note in her old phone of his number, putting it under the name Dr Shepherd. Part of her didn't want to acknowledge why she'd done that, and the other part knew full well she might need to contact him from that phone if she didn’t have the new one with her. Maybe she shouldn’t be so ridiculous about it all. She was probably overreacting.

_Sounds intriguing. Enjoy the rest of your day, I await your message._

She laughed softly at his message and turned off the phone. She couldn't risk her new phone going off when she was around Jordan. She finished off her coffee and sent Jordan a message to let him know she'd 'landed' and ordered herself a cab.

Before she got up to leave, she went into her bag, wrapping up her work pass and the now powered off phone in a scarf she had in there. He definitely couldn't find those. She left a tip for the barista before heading out into the street and getting into the cab that had pulled up for her.

On the way to the apartment, she struggled to control the shaking of her hands. It was becoming all too real now. When she’d left here just over two weeks ago, she never thought she’d be coming back. She felt like an idiot for even forgetting this event was going to happen. As the cab pulled up, she noticed his car wasn't parked up in its normal spot, so she sent a quick message to let him knows she was back at the apartment, although he hadn't responded to the one to let him know she'd 'landed.'

She let herself in, thankful to find he definitely wasn't there yet. She first went into the bedroom, grabbing a suitcase from the closet to start packing up a few more outfits, as well as grabbing a few files she needed from the home office, important documents she couldn't risk leaving behind. Once she had the things she'd need, she put the suitcase under the bed and stripped off her clothes, thankful to be rid of them and stood in front of the mirror. Her fingertips traced the yellowing bruise on her lower back, the one Derek had seen and thankfully, not yet questioned.

She stood there for a moment, looking at the discolouration on her skin, noticing a bruise or two on her legs she hadn't quite noticed until now. A sigh escaped her lips, and she grabbed the fresh underwear, leggings and jumper she'd left out on the bed, changing into them and throwing her discarded clothes into the hamper.

Her body froze at the sound of the door slamming shut and she heard him call out her name. Her gaze looked over to the bedroom door, listening as she heard him moving though the apartment. Her sight caught on her bag that lay on the floor beside the closet, one look in that bag and he'd find her pass to SGMW Hospital, her laptop, her new phone. She moved over to the bag and picked it up, sliding it under the bed beside the suitcase. If he couldn't see it, he wouldn't ask about it, he wouldn't look inside it. She sat down on the bed a second before he opened the door, and her eyes met his, studying him carefully to gauge his mood. He seemed calm, oddly calm.

"Meredith," she felt her body tense slightly as her name escaped his lips again. He moved to sit next to her on the bed, taking her hands into his own with a little more grip than necessary.

"Jordan," she said with a small smile.

"I missed you," he said, one hand reaching to cup her cheek as he brought his lips to hers with a soft kiss.

Her breath caught slightly, and she spoke quietly as he pulled his lips back, "I missed you too."

More lies. Maybe she shouldn't lie so much.

His eyes watched her closely, his eyes narrowing slightly, "And your mother?"

"She's okay, they're planning to discharge her back to the home on Monday," she almost forgot she'd told him she was in the hospital, "and there's still a few things I have to go back and sort, the house and some stuff at the hospital."

“Right. And then you’ll be back, right?” his eyes locked with hers as he spoke.

“I should… yeah, I’ll be back,” she nodded, dropping her gaze from his.

They sat in silence a moment before she went to stand up from where she sat, but his hand still holding hers pulled her to sit back down firmly. His hand moved over her shoulder and down her arm as he studied her a moment.

"I'm not finished, we're not finished, Meredith," his hand moved to hold her forearm a little tighter than was probably necessary, "You've been gone for almost three weeks, I should be getting more than a kiss."

"I'm sorry, I'm just tired, time difference and all," she smiled weakly, lowering her gaze to her lap.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going?” he asked, his voice still level but she could hear a slight edge to it.

“I tried… and then so much happened at once, and I just didn’t have time,” she fell over her words, not entirely sure what she was supposed to say. Should she say that she’d caught him with someone else?

"Did you think I'd just let you leave like that and we'd be perfectly fine when you came back?"

"My mother…" she just about managed to say, fear running through her, but he cut her off.

“I don’t care, Meredith! I deserve more than an afterthought twenty-four hours after you fly across the country! I’m your husband, for crying out loud!” he stood up off the bed, starting to pace, “And then you’re gone for almost three weeks… are you that stupid? Do you think I’m stupid?”

She stood up off the bed as he continued pacing, the nerves building in her stomach and making her slightly nauseous. She knew this pacing. She knew that look in his eyes. She knew what could come next. She needed to leave. She just wanted to leave. She wished Derek was here, but… no, that was stupid. She couldn’t think like that, not now, not ever.

"I know, I'm sorry, I tried…" she stumbled over her words as she twisted her watch around her wrist, but he cut her off again.

"You didn't try shit, Meredith! If I wasn't answering my phone, you could've left a message. You could've come into the office and told me in person!" His voice rose as the anger built up and he moved toward her.

She wasn't going to bring this up. She really wasn't. But she had to start defending herself more. She had to do something, explain herself in some way. It was probably a bad idea, his anger was peaking, and he was stood closer to her now, his pacing having stopped as he waited for her response.

“I went to your office,” she said quietly, swallowing slightly against the nausea, “I didn’t want to interrupt your… meeting.”

“What? You couldn’t leave a message for me?”

“Daisy was on lunch, you were on lunch, supposedly… according to Dr Evans. He told me you were in your office,” her voice was almost a whisper now, straining against the emotion building up as her eyes started to water.

“You… I was on lunch,” he frowned, a momentary pause in his anger and she could tell he was thinking back to that day.

“You know what I saw,” she muttered, surprised to hear anger in her own tone of voice.

“Meredith,” she saw his face drop, realising he’d been caught out, and he didn’t meet her eyes for a moment.

“Like I said, I didn’t want to interrupt you, and I had a plane to catch, so I left,” she murmured, tears running down her cheeks now.

“I… it was a one-time thing, I didn’t think… I’m sorry, Meredith… Mer, baby,” his voice had gone soft now and he looked at her with tears in his own eyes as he moved towards her slowly.

She didn’t know what to do, she really didn’t know what to do. She still wanted to run. She still didn’t want to be here. But he was apologising. It was a one-time thing. It wasn’t like she hadn’t done the same to him, he just didn’t know about it. And he could never know. She let his arms wrap around her, pulling her close against him and she buried her face against his shoulder, part of her enjoying the familiarity of his hold.

“I love you, Meredith. I love you so much, you’re my whole world. I’d be lost without you,” he murmured, pressing his lips against the top of her head, “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t know,” she whimpered slightly, shaking her head. Her brain was fuzzy. She couldn’t think straight. She didn’t know what to do.

“Hey, no. We can do this, we can get past this,” he said, his hand moving under chin to raise her head so that she was looking up at him.

His lips lowered against hers as his fingers slid into her tied up hair, pushing the hair tie out so that it fell loose instead of up in the ponytail. Her heart was racing, only kissing him back to avoid him getting angry again.

She gave into him as his hands moved to her waist, pulling her against him. His lips pulled back, their foreheads pressed together again as she spoke in a quiet voice, "I love you too."

He smiled and pressed another kiss to her lips a second before he spoke, "We can work this out, okay? We'll work this out, baby."

She nodded and buried her face against his neck again as his arms moved around her waist. They stood there for a moment like that, before she spoke quietly, "I need to start getting ready."

"Your dress arrived this morning, it's in the closet, my treat,” he said, his voice still gentle as he pressed a kiss to her forehead before releasing her.

"Thank you," she walked over to the closet, taking out the dress bag and laying it on the bed. It was always 'his treat.'

“Did you manage to sleep on the plane?”

She looked to him as he walked over to the closet, pulling out his suit for that evening, "Yeah, I got a few hours."

"Just make sure you don't look tired for tonight, we need to leave at six," he turned to look at her, putting the suit on the bed.

"I'll be ready," she said with a weak smile, hoping he would leave her alone to get ready.

"I haven't seen you in almost three weeks, Meredith,” he said as he moved toward her again, lowering his lips to her ear in a low murmur that sent a chill down her spine, and not in a pleasant way. His lips moved to her neck and she tried her best to keep her slight panic at bay, she couldn’t do this with him. Not now. Maybe not ever. She didn’t know.

“I… I can’t,” she murmured, trying to control the slight shake in her voice.

“What do you mean can’t?” he said, the edge returning to his voice again, his hand gripping at her arm with far too much force, again.

"Jordan, please," her voice shook slightly still as she spoke, "I… time of the month. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Hmm, we should probably start getting ready anyway,” he sighed, kissing her gently once more, his hand moving from her arm to run his fingers through her hair, “Wear your hair down tonight, I like it when it’s down.”

“Okay, yeah,” she breathed, feeling a sense of relief wash over her. Surely, she shouldn’t be lying about being on her period to get out of sex with her own husband, but she knew that saying no because she didn’t want to would be out of the question. It’s the only excuse that seemed to work.

"We'll have fun tonight, I promise, okay? I'm going to grab a shower,” he smirked slightly, kissing her once more before heading through into the bathroom.

She stood frozen to the spot a moment, listening for him to turn on the shower. She moved quick. She grabbed the suitcase from under the bed, taking it to the closet by the front door of the apartment, putting her work bag beside it. She'd need to get to it easily. She couldn’t stay. She couldn’t stay here tonight. She needed to leave and get back to Seattle at the earliest opportunity. She grabbed her old phone off the side table in the bedroom and double checked her flight schedule. She'd book a flight to take her back to Seattle as early as she could, and thankfully there was one leaving just after midnight.

She couldn't stay the night with him, she really couldn't. He usually got heavily intoxicated at his work events, and she knew even when she was booking her flight to come here, she'd be getting on a plane to Seattle at the end of the night. She had time to think of an excuse as to why she had to leave by then.

She wanted to message Derek. Her flight would land at three in the morning, Seattle time, and she kind of did want him to be able to pick her up, feel that safety she always felt in his presence, but she couldn't risk calling or messaging him. Not yet anyway. It'd be around ten in Seattle when her flight left Boston, and hopefully he'd be around to answer her call if she called from the airport. Hopefully, he wouldn't be stuck in surgery. She had to stop thinking about Derek so much. She could just get a cab to her hotel. She didn't want to drag him into this mess. He was covering her ER shift as well. This all just felt like a huge mess.

As she heard the shower switch off, she put the phone back down on the side table and started brushing through her hair. She just had to get through the evening. She could be brave. She smiled toward Jordan as he came out the bathroom in just his towel. She could pretend everything was okay for one night longer. She could figure everything else out later.

_You knew it still hurts underneath my scars,_   
_From when they pulled me apart,_   
_But what you did was just as dark._


	5. Chapter 5

Her feet ached, that's all she could think about. She hated wearing these shoes, but they're the only ones she had that went with the damn dress she had to wear. It wasn't an ugly dress; it was actually a really nice dress. The back was lower than she wished, and she was sure if she moved the wrong way the fading bruise on her back would be visible, but it wasn't the worst dress she'd ever worn. She held on to Jordan’s arm loosely, but he seemed to be gripping on to her a little too tight and it just made her feel more uncomfortable as they walked into the hall that had been booked for the event.

She put on the fake smile as they greeted his co-workers and made polite conversation where appropriate. She'd played the part of happy trophy wife so many times before it came as second nature to her now. She had to forget she was actually a surgeon herself, a pretty great one at that. Here she was the wife. That’s all she was reduced to. She wasn’t to speak about herself, about her own achievements or research.

"I'm just going to go to the bar and get drinks," she murmured, thankful that he allowed her to pull away so she could head over to the bar, ordering his usual drink and keeping hers non-alcoholic. As much as she needed the drink, she didn't want to deal with the fall out if he found out.

She returned to him and he kissed her cheek in thanks as he took the drink from her, but didn’t say another word, continuing his conversation and ignoring her. She stood quietly beside him as he spoke with one of his co-workers, until he pulled away from her, talk of needing a private conversation with one of his bosses. She nodded, resisting the urge to roll her eyes as she moved to go stand by the bar while she waited for him.

As she stood there, sipping at her club soda, a man she hadn't met before approached her. She could admit, he was rather good looking, and she gave him a small smile, not being fake for the first time since she’d arrived.

"Hey, you're looking pretty lonely stood here," he greeted her with a grin.

"Yeah, I'm just waiting for someone. I thought I'd met everyone here, are you new?" she asked, playing with the thin red straw in her club soda.

"Yeah, I joined the practice two weeks ago, I haven't seen you around either, are you new as well?” he asked, moving along the bar to stand closer to her.

"Oh, I don't, I'm a doctor, yeah, I'm a surgeon, I don't work at the practice, though," she explained with a smile, glad for the temporary distraction, "What's your specialty?"

“A surgeon? Impressive. I’m just a paediatrician. What's do you specialise in?” he asked, giving her a kilowatt smile as he continued on the conversation.

"I'm starting my fellowship soon, neurosurgery," she explained, keeping up the act that she hadn't started the fellowship yet. She just enjoyed actually being asked about her own job rather than being immediately identified as Jordan’s wife.

“Neurosurgery? Impressive… wait, I recognise you, kind of,” the guy frowned slightly as he tried to place her.

“Ellis Grey?” she rose an eyebrow, “I’m her daughter. That’s how people normally recognise me.”

“That’s it! Ellis Grey, wow. If you’re her daughter then you must be a pretty impressive surgeon,” he nodded, tipping his drink toward her before taking a sip. 

“Well, I like to think so,” she laughed softly, allowing herself to loosen up for a moment, be that arrogant neurosurgeon stereotype she heard so much about, and had seen from others in her field. The personality trait she’d kept rather hidden.

Before the stranger at the bar could respond, she felt an arm slide around her waist, "Excuse us, I need to talk to my _wife_."

She almost dropped her glass at his sudden touch, not even realising he had been anywhere close. Jordan took her through a side door and her stomach dropped as he backed her up against a wall in the otherwise empty hallway.

"What the hell, Meredith? What are you doing?"

"I was just… I was just making conversation," she tried to explain but he cut her off, his finger moving in front of her lips.

"You're mine," he said, getting closer to her, if that was possible, "You will not make me look bad in front of my co-workers by practically flirting with them."

Her eyes lowered to avoid his gaze and she spoke in a quiet voice, "I wasn’t… I'm sorry."

"You know it's just because I love you," he lifted her chin with two fingers and pressed a kiss to her lips, “I want you all to myself.”

“I know,” she whispered, “I love you too.”

"You look beautiful, baby," he pushed a strand of hair behind her ear as he spoke, "I won't leave you alone like that again."

"Let's go back," she said with a small smile, reluctantly pressing a kiss to his lips before he stepped back. She slid her hand into his and they went back into the main hall. The best thing she could do now is stay close to him and keep quiet until she had to leave.

Through the night, he just drank drink, after drink, and she stood there by his side, waiting. It's almost as though he forgot she was a pretty talented, fairly well-known surgeon herself, or he just didn’t care. He held her on his arm like she was a trophy. Her mind just kept working through times and what she needed to do. She needed to get going soon, coming up with some sort of excuse to leave that would be believable enough that he’d let her go.

To make her flight she'd need to be in a cab by ten to have time to get her suitcase and get to the airport on time. It was now just turning half nine and she could feel herself becoming more nervous as the minutes passed. She needed a drink.

"Jordan, I'm just going to the bathroom," she spoke in a quiet voice close to his ear, hoping he had drunk enough by now to not bother with his earlier promise of not leaving her alone.

"Take your time," he grinned softly and as he pressed a kiss to her cheek, she could smell the alcohol on his breath and held her breath as a wave of nausea hit her.

She nodded and headed to the nearest toilet, locking the door behind her. She took a few deep breaths. She was starting to freak out a little bit, but she needed to do this. She had to go. She looked in the mirror at herself a moment. She did look good; he wasn't wrong there. There was a slight redness on her upper arms, partially hidden by the lace sleeves, that she only noticed now in the harsh light of the bathroom.

Before leaving the bathroom, she ordered herself a cab ready for when she would be outside. She wasn’t even going to tell him at this point. She just wanted to leave. She could make up an emergency with her mom, but she couldn’t bare to face him. She really couldn’t.

As she turned the corner, she didn't expect to see what she saw. She didn’t expect to have to face him whether she liked it or not. Because there was her husband, his hands all over that same woman she'd seen at his office almost three weeks ago. One time. He’d said that, she was sure he had. It sounded like something he would say.

“Jordan,” she choked out his name, feeling tears welling in her eyes as her fingers gripped her clutch bag tighter.

She watched a moment as his head turned, not even registering she was stood there at first. But then his eyes widened, and he muttered something under his breath. The red head went in the opposite direction as he turned to her properly.

“Meredith… it’s not,” he winced slightly, probably realising how bad his excuse sounded before he even said it.

“Don’t, please just don’t,” she said as she wiped under her eyes, shaking her head, “I’m going.”

“Don’t go, Meredith,” he pleaded, but she turned his back on him as he as he started towards her.

She ignored him, heading down the short hallway toward the main entrance. She just needed to go, she needed to leave. It was too much. It was all too much.

"Meredith, stop!"

Something inside her made her stop. She wished she hadn't. Looking back, she really wished she hadn't. His hand grabbed her arm tight as the tears continued to run down her face. He pulled her into a side room, some sort of cleaning closet. He shoved her at the wall and she vaguely remembered hitting her head, hard. He clearly didn't notice though. The pain coursed through her head and she could feel a slight wetness there that she couldn’t bring herself to confirm just yet. She was stuck. She couldn’t get out.

"Don't leave me. You can't leave me!" He yelled at her, his hand hitting the wall beside her head, making her jump.

“Let me go, Jordan. Please, just let me go…” she pleaded, her voice quiet, her ears ringing already with the pain.

"I'm drunk, I'm sorry, it didn't mean anything,” his voice became softer, pleading with her but she could tell his eyes weren’t focused on her. She couldn't speak. She didn't say a word.

He turned to her then, actually looking at her. She probably looked like a mess. Like the poor, abused wife she really was. She knew he wouldn’t let anyone see her like this. He had a reputation to uphold, after all. She never should’ve got on the plane back here. She should’ve stayed in Seattle.

"You can't go back out there, and I can't just disappear," she watched him as he started pacing in the small space, "I'll meet you at home, okay? Don't go back to Seattle yet. Give me half an hour and I'll be right behind you. I can't live without you, Meredith."

Suddenly he was in her face again, his thumbs wiping away the tears that were still falling from her eyes. She said what she knew he wanted to hear, a small whisper as she tried to sound believable, "I won't. I'll wait for you."

"Good, good girl," he kissed her, and she could still taste the alcohol on him, knocking her sick with nausea again, "I love you, Meredith."

"I love you too, Jordan," she whispered in a hoarse voice and then he was gone. She looked around frantically for something for her head and saw a paper towel roll open on one of the shelves. She grabbed a generous piece of it and pressed it against the side of her head, trying to mop up the blood that had already started to dry on the side of her face.

She grabbed her bag that had fallen to the floor and left the small room, heading straight to the exit, honestly not caring if anyone saw her. She got straight in the cab that was already waiting, giving the address of the apartment. She pulled her phone out of her bag. She should call him. She should call Derek. He could help. She could trust him. She was pretty sure she could trust him. He answered after two rings.

"Hello?"

"Derek? It's Meredith," her voice was still shaking, and she took a few deep breaths, trying to steady it as the cab pulled up outside the apartment, she moved the phone's mic away from her mouth as she spoke to the driver, "I'll be right back, I just need to grab my bags.”

"Meredith? Is everything okay?" she heard a door closing on his end, “What’s going? What’s wrong?”

"I'm getting on the plane, soon," she took a deep breath, heading to her apartment and fumbling with her keys as she tried to get the door open.

"Meredith, breathe," he attempted to soothe her, hearing the panic in her voice.

"Give me a second," somehow, hearing his voice had actually helped and she took another breath, unlocking the door. She went into the closet and grabbed the suitcase and her work bag, "I need… can you come get me? It'll be uhm, 3am I think when my flight gets in?"

"Just give me a moment.

She looked around the apartment one more time before putting a long coat on over her dress, heading back down to the waiting cab, where the driver already had the trunk open for her, and he took the suitcase to put it in for her as she got back in the back of the cab, she could hear some rustling on Derek's end of the phone before he responded.

"I can’t leave here till Crichek comes in at six, but I’ll send a car for you," she closed her eyes, letting out a breath as she leaned her head back in her seat, not having the energy to argue about him sending a car when she could just get a cab, "Meredith, are you okay?"

"Talk to me, tell me about one of your surgeries from today," she asked. She needed to focus on something else.

"It was a craniotomy. Guy had an aneurysm," she opened her eyes, looking out the window of the cab, listening to him as he spoke, grateful he hadn’t asked any questions yet as she stared out into the night, trying to ignore the throb in her head.

"Did you use a clip?" she asked, closing her eyes as she imagined the procedure in her mind.

"Yeah, 0.5 clip, he's okay now, it was successful and he's in recovery."

"Thank you," she said, having managed to calm down as the cab pulled into the airport, "One moment."

She grabbed the money from her purse for the taxi driver, passing it to him with a thanks and telling him to keep the change. She got out the cab and grabbed her suitcase from the trunk before heading into the airport. As the adrenaline passed, she could feel the thumping of pain again in her head from where she'd hit it, she tried to hide the pain in her voice, "I'm at the airport, can I call you back in about twenty minutes? I need to get through security first and then… talking. I need a distraction, and I need to stay awake.”

"Okay, I'll be ready."

"Thank you, I'll call you back once I get through," she ended the call and took a make-up wipe out of her work bag, using the reflection in the window to temporarily clean herself up to avoid too many questions before she went through security and checked her suitcase in.

It took about twenty minutes for her to get through to the boarding lounge. She had around thirty minutes until boarding, so went into the nearby toilets which were thankfully empty. She took her new phone out of her bag and turned it on and took her old phone, turning it off, ignoring the missed calls and messages waiting from Jordan who would’ve arrived back at the apartment by now to find her gone.

As she waited for the phone to power up, she looked at herself in the mirror. She was still in the stupid dress and her feet hurt even more now. She could see the reddening of her right arm more from where he'd grabbed her earlier, she was pretty sure that would bruise. Finally, she checked the side of her head. After using a wet paper towel on the dried blood around the wound, she found there was a cut just by her hairline that would probably need stitches, and she’d just need to get some form of bandage over it. She grabbed an alcohol wipe out the pocket of her bag, tentatively wiping at the remainder of dry blood there as she winced slightly.

She binned the dirty wipe and picked up her phone, taking a few breaths before calling Derek back. He answered after a single ring, clearly waiting for her call like he had said he would.

"Hey, I don't have long before boarding,” she said as he answered the call, putting the phone on loudspeaker as she got a bandage from the first aid kit she always carried with her.

"Hey, is everything okay?" he asked, concern evident in his voice.

“I… I have a slight head injury,” she murmured, wincing slightly as she pressed the bandage against her wound.

“How bad is it?” he asked, not quite the question she was expecting from him. She expected him to demand an explanation for her injury, she even had an excuse lined up ready to give him.

“I’ll probably need a few stitches,” she sighed softly, “and I’m slightly nauseous but I don’t think I have a concussion.”

“You should know not to be your own doctor,” she heard his slight laugh on the other end of the phone, “Just come straight here and I’ll check you over, get you stitched up properly. Are you sure you’re okay to fly? Maybe you should go to the ER first and get checked out.”

“I need… I have to leave. I have to be okay to fly,” she breathed, her fingers shaking slightly as she secured the bandage, “I can’t go to the ER, not here.”

“Okay, well make sure you stay hydrated and try not to fall asleep if you can help it, just in case,” he instructed.

“Will do, Dr Shepherd,” she said, making an attempt at keeping it light-hearted as she took the phone off loudspeaker, bringing it up to her ear, “You don’t have to send a car for me, I can just get a cab.”

“No, don’t worry about it, it’s already arranged,” he said, a firmness to his voice that meant she wouldn’t be arguing with him, but he didn’t seem angry at her at all. Her head was starting to hurt too much to think much about it anyhow.

“Okay, I just… I need some Advil,” she groaned softly, “I’ll need to grab some before I get on the plane and I should be boarding soon.”

“Okay, try and eat something light as well if you can,” he suggested.

“I’ll try. I… thank you for this, Derek,” she said, grabbing her bag as she left the toilets, “I didn’t know who else to call, and I trust you, and I didn’t really want any talk… I assume you don’t gossip?”

“Gossip free zone, Meredith. Don’t worry about it, part of the role of being your friend,” she could practically hear him smirk on the other end of the phone and she rolled her eyes, smiling a little.

“Okay, I need to go, I’ll see you soon.”

“See you soon, message me when you land.”

“Will do, bye.”

“Bye, Meredith.”

The phone clicked as he hung up and she slid the phone into her coat pocket, looking around for the shop so she could grab Advil and some water before boarding. She sighed softly as she walked toward it. She just had to get through the next six hours or so. This was going to be the longest flight she’d ever been on.

_Something gave you the nerve,_  
To touch my hand,  
It's nice to have a friend.


	6. Chapter 6

Six long hours later, her plane landed at Sea-Tac. She had spent her time attempting to continue with her fellowship research to distract her, which had been fairly difficult with the constant pain in her head, but she managed to keep her word to Derek to not sleep and to keep herself hydrated.

She pulled her phone out as she waited for her luggage, sending a text through to Derek to let him know she had landed, and he quickly responded to tell her the car was waiting outside, under his name, with a detailed description of which car it should be, which made her laugh slightly. It was three in the morning and unlikely that anyone else would be having a town car pick them up at this time, but she appreciated his thoroughness.

Outside, she quickly found the car, the driver taking her luggage as she climbed in. Her phone buzzed again in her hand with another message from Derek asking how she was getting on. She frowned slightly. He’d literally just messaged a moment ago, and he was already checking up on her. It felt strange. She quickly responded to let him know she was in the car, keeping it short as she dug into her bag for the Advil, needing another dose to combat the dull ache in her head.

She leant her head against the cold window of the car as it drove through Seattle. Not much longer, and then Derek could check out her injury and she could get back to her hotel room to go to sleep. She was still in the awful heels, and would be more than grateful to slip on her converse when she got to the hospital. She could probably do with getting changed as well; the dress was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable the longer she wore it.

The car pulled up outside the front of the hospital and she got out, thanking the driver as he grabbed her suitcase for her. She took the handle and made her way inside, not really paying much attention to her surroundings, just wanting to get inside and to her office so she could page Derek. A slight surge of panic ran through her as she realised she still had her rings on her finger, and she slid them off and into the inside pocket of her bag as she moved toward the elevator.

“Meredith!” she heard her name being called and turned around, probably a little too quickly as she winced at the increased pain in her head.

“You look…” Derek trailed off as his eyes moved over body.

“Like crap, I know,” she sighed, leaning back against the wall beside the elevator.

“No,” he shook his head, smiling at her, “I was going to say that besides the head injury you look amazing.”

“Oh,” she breathed, closing her eyes, “That’s… thanks, I guess.”

“You guess?” he laughed softly, raising an eyebrow, “We need to get your head checked out, come on.”

“Where?” she frowned slightly, opening her eyes again to look at him, “I need to go to my office.”

“Well, I was going to say the ER,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Oh, I… I need to change my shoes and get out of this dress first. I’m uncomfortable and tired, and I feel gross,” she sighed softly as the elevator arrived.

“Okay, let’s go then,” he said, taking her suitcase from her and stepping on to the elevator ahead of her.

“Right, okay,” she breathed, still frowning slightly as she moved on to the elevator with him, leaning against the wall. She had hit a wall of exhaustion and she just wanted her bed. Or rather, the hotel bed. Or even the couch in her office, maybe.

“I’m not going to ask questions,” he said once the doors had closed, his voice soft, “but… are you okay? More than physically?”

“I will be,” she shrugged a little, her gaze dropping to the floor as she wrapped her arm around her stomach. Maybe she should’ve tried to eat something earlier.

“Anything I can do to help?” he asked, frowning slightly as he studied her.

“I don’t…” she shook her head, a short, hollow laugh escaping her lips as she felt tears sting her eyes, “I’m just tired.”

“Come here,” he said as he held his arm out to her, “You look like you need a hug.”

“I…” she took a deep breath, taking his hand cautiously but not moving into the hug, “Not now, not yet.”

“Okay,” he offered her a smile as he squeezed her hand gently, the doors opening as she dropped his hand, “You good to walk? You look like you’re about to fall over.”

“I’ll be okay, just… slow, I think,” she said, coming away from the wall and walking ahead of him off the elevator.

He stayed close beside her as they walked slowly down the empty hallway of offices. No one would be there at this time, not on a Saturday night, or early Sunday morning even. Which she was grateful for. She didn’t need people seeing her like this. They reached the door to her office and she dug the keys out of the bottom of her bag, feeling her fingers shaking slightly as she pulled them out.

Derek’s hand touched hers and she flinched slightly before internally cursing herself for it. She looked to him but if he noticed he didn’t draw attention to it, or seem phased about it.

“Here, I’ve got it,” he said, his voice still soft as he spoke as he took the keys from her.

“Thanks,” she whispered as he opened the door for them and she switched on the light, blinking at the harsh light before turning it off again, “That’s too bright.”

She moved to sit down on the couch, laying her head back against one of the pillows, but wincing when she caught the bandage and sat up again.

“Let me have a look at that, I need the light to stay on though,” he frowned a little.

“I… okay,” she murmured, she’d just have to grin and bare it while he checked her over.

“You can close your eyes, maybe that’ll help,” he suggested as he turned the light back on and moved to sit beside her.

“No, it’s… I’ll be okay, I can sleep soon,” she took a breath as the light came on, clenching her fist.

“Okay,” he nodded, “Just tell me if…”

“If what?”

“If it’s too much. Any of it.”

“Oh, I… okay,” she kept her breathing steady as she felt his fingers gently working the bandage off.

He stayed quiet as he examined the wound, and she could hear the slight hum from his lips as he concentrated, his fingers barely touching her skin. She bit her lip gently, trying to somewhat subdue the pain she felt in her head, but it wasn’t really working.

“I’m going to need to put a couple of stitches in, and it’s definitely developing a bruise. Stay here, get changed if you still want to, I need to go and grab some things,” he said, keeping his voice quiet, which she really did appreciate.

“Okay,” she nodded, pressing her lips together a moment, “What about the ER? Aren’t you on call?”

“Don’t worry about that, just get changed and I’ll knock before I come back in, okay?” he said as he got up off the couch and headed toward the door.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll just… yeah,” she sighed softly, her eyes squinting a little as she looked around the room as he left.

Shoes. She needed to take the shoes off. She didn’t think she had ever been this tired before, but thankfully the shoes weren’t all that complicated and she managed to slide her feet out of them without much effort.

Clothes. The dress needed to come off but she also needed to put something else on before he came back in. Maybe scrubs, or maybe… her suitcase. She’d packed loungewear. She remembered doing that.

She pulled herself up off the couch and opened up the suitcase, pulling out a jumper and joggers before going back over to the couch. She unzipped the dress and let it fall to the floor. She never wanted to wear that dress again. She quickly pulled on the clothes as a knock sounded on the door, not wanting to take note of any other damage done to her body right now. It could wait.

“Meredith?” she heard his voice from the other side of the door after as she sat back down on the couch.

“It’s okay,” she said, surprised by the slight weakness in her voice.

“You look more comfortable,” he commented as he came back into the room, closing the door gently behind him.

“Hmm,” she nodded, pulling her hair back up into a ponytail.

“You sure you want me to do this here? We can go find an empty exam room or something,” he asked as he sat on the couch beside her.

“I just want it over with so I can go to bed,” she said, her hand covering her mouth as she yawned.

“Alright then.”

“Is here okay or do you want me to sit in the desk chair?” she asked, fighting the urge to close her eyes.

“It’s not a problem,” he shook his head as he pulled on the gloves before getting started, “You can close your eyes if you need to.”

“Okay just… tell me what you’re doing,” she said in a quiet voice, her eyes closing but her hand moving to his leg, as though the touch was grounding her, reminding her where she was and who she was with.

“I’m just going to clean it up a bit more,” he murmured, and she could feel his gentle touch against her skin, his voice having somewhat of a calming effect on her. She focused on his touch and her own breathing, all whilst fighting the urge to go to sleep. She’d seen him do stitches before, she knew it wouldn’t take long, she could hold out.

“Okay, now I’m going to numb the area,” he continued. Her hand gently squeezed his leg as she felt the needle pinch her skin, taking a sharp breath.

“There we go,” he murmured, and she felt his hand squeeze hers a moment, “Ready for me to start?”

“Yeah,” she breathed.

He went quiet, and she could picture in her mind the concentration that she knew would be present in his facial expression as he started suturing. She forced open her eyes, trying to stop herself from going to sleep, which would be a really strange thing to do while he was stitching her forehead.

“The quiet is making me want to go to sleep,” she murmured as his eyes glanced to hers a moment with a soft smile.

“I’m almost done,” he said, almost at a whisper as he finished off the sutures.

“Thank you.”

“It’s no problem, you don’t need to thank me.”

“I don’t know what else to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” he murmured, inspecting his work closer.

“Okay, so, Crichek will be here in less than an hour and I have a resident who can be in the ER in the meantime, I’ll take you back to the hotel and I’ll stay while you sleep, if that’s okay with you, or you can sleep on my office couch while I work, or we could go to an on call room, that’s all your choice, but I’m not leaving you on your own,” he explained, pulling back to remove his gloves.

“I don’t know,” she murmured, fidgeting with the cord string on her hoodie, “I don’t know what…”

“Whatever you want to do, Mer,” he said, his hand gently squeezing her knee.

“Not here,” she mumbled, shaking her head a little.

“Why not?” he asked.

“It’s… shared office,” she managed to get out, his hand having moved over her hair and she knew she had tensed up, and she held her breath as though it was an instinct reaction.

“Okay, what’s wrong?” he looked at her with a slight frown, clearly noticing the tensing of her body.

“No, nothing,” she whispered, letting out the breath as his hand pulled away, “I think… I can get a cab to the hotel.”

“I don’t want to tell you what to do,” he sighed softly, “but I don’t want you to be alone.”

“Why?” she asked, looking up at him.

“Because you have a head injury,” he murmured, his hand reaching to wipe a stray tear off her cheek she didn’t even know had escaped with his thumb, “possibly a concussion.”

“I’m pretty sure I don’t have a concussion.”

“Are you going to let me do a head CT to confirm that?”

“No, no. I can’t… not necessary,” she replied instantly, maybe a little too quickly. She couldn’t be getting tests done, or anything of the sort. She couldn’t have that on record for anyone to find.

“I think the hotel is best,” he finally said, taking her hand with his in a gentle squeeze, “there’s just a few things I need to do first.”

“Aren’t you the only neuro attending covering the ER?”

“I have a fifth year working in the ER as well, since we’ll only be at the Archfield they can call if I’m needed before Crichek gets here,” he said, smiling at her, but there was something a little off about the smile.

“I’m sorry, you shouldn’t even have to…”

“No, Meredith. It’s not a problem, or an issue, so don’t worry about it, okay?”

“I… okay,” she sighed softly, but she knew it wouldn’t stop bugging her that she felt like so much of a burden, especially to him right now.

“I just need to go and speak to the resident and change, and then we can get going,” he told her, standing up off the couch, “Do you want to come with me?”

“I… I can come to your office,” she murmured, “Pre rounds start soon.”

“Pre rounds?” he asked, obviously not quite sure what she meant, his head tilted to the side.

“There’ll be more people around, people ask questions,” she explained as she slowly sat up on the couch, moving to put her shoes on, “people make assumptions.”

“Okay, let’s go to my office then and I’ll page the resident to speak to them there instead of going to seek them out, and then we can get going,” he nodded, his hands moving into the pockets of his lab coat, “do you need any help?”

“I think I have everything,” she said as she moved slowly, picking up the discarded dress and heels, putting them in her suitcase before closing it up.

“I’ll grab that,” he offered, taking the handle of the suitcase as she grabbed her work bag.

“Thanks,” she nodded as they moved toward the door.

“It’ll be quick,” he commented as they went to his office, which was only at the other end of the hall.

Inside, she stood by the door, leaning against the wall as he sent the page to his resident and started to gather his things. She really needed to go. The nerves were getting worse, she was beyond exhausted, and maybe she was slightly looking forward to Derek spending the night.

For once, she wouldn’t be alone. Afterwards, she had always been alone, cleaning herself up. Jordan wouldn’t be able to even look at her, and only if she needed to go to the ER did anyone see her for hours afterwards. But here she was, in the afterwards, and she wouldn’t be alone.

Her being injured was almost like an excuse to spend another night with Derek, not that anything would happen. But she’d missed that safe feeling. The one she’d felt on the couch in her own office, that she’d felt the first night they’d spent together. She wanted that back.

A knock on the door startled her, and she moved away from the door as Derek’s gaze looked over to her, a hint of pity in his eyes as she dropped her own gaze. He moved over to the door, stepping outside for a moment as she moved across the room, avoiding being seen through the door.

She sat at the chair behind his desk, her feet still feeling sore from the amount of time she’d worn the heels for, turning the chair so she was facing the back wall. Barely a minute passed before Derek returned to the room, the door closing behind him.

“That’s all sorted so we can almost get going,” he said, and she turned the chair around so she was facing him, only to find him stood in the middle of the room, topless and about to remove his scrub pants.

“Crap, sorry, shit,” she muttered, lowering her gaze even though she really hadn’t wanted to, and feeling a slight blush on her cheeks. She was definitely attracted to him, there was no doubt about that. But he couldn’t know that. He couldn’t know that she liked what she saw, so she couldn’t keep looking at him.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” he chuckled, continuing to change into his street clothes, “Let’s get going.”  
  


* * *

The journey back was quiet, and she had definitely made her lip bleed with how nervous she felt. She wasn’t sure why she felt nervous, she just did, and it helped her stay awake in the car anyhow. He pulled the car into the parking lot, just as the sun had begun to rise. She’d definitely been awake for far too long at this point, the strong feeling as though she’d been hit by a bus.

“I’ll grab your suitcase, and your work bag,” he said, reaching to grab her bag out of the footwell, and she just didn’t have the energy to refute him.

“Thanks,” she breathed, climbing out of the car and stuffing her hands into the front pocket of her jumper as they walked inside.

“Are you in the same room?” he asked as they stepped on to the elevator in the empty lobby.

“You remember which room?” she asked, raising an eyebrow as she pressed the floor button.

“I… yes?” he grinned slightly.

“Come on,” she said, covering her mouth as she yawned and they stepped off the elevator.

“The key is… oh, my bag,” she reached to take the bag from him, realising the hotel key card was in the same pocket as her rings.

She took out the key, unlocking the door and opening it for them both as she stepped inside. She slipped the keycard back into her bag before she dumped it on the side, switching on the lamps rather than the brighter main light and sat on the bed, completely and utterly exhausted at this point.

“Do you need to change or anything?” he asked, setting down the suitcase

“No, I just… bed. I’ll most likely fall asleep in the shower at this point,” she shook her head slightly as she kicked off her shoes.

“Alright, good idea,” he nodded, taking off his jacket as he moved to sit in the armchair.

“What are you doing?” she asked, her voice almost a murmur as she climbed under the blankets.

“Staying with you,” he frowned slightly, almost as if he was confused by her question.

“No, I mean… you’ve been up all night, you probably need sleep as well,” she pointed out.

“I’m good here,” he shrugged, picking up a journal she’d left on the side table.

“Derek,” she sighed, “No, you can get in the bed. It’s big enough for both of us and if you fall asleep in that chair you’ll get a bad back and… just, please.”

“Okay,” he said as he got up, hesitating in thought a moment before he removed his jeans and got on the bed, “Better?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, “Better.”

She didn’t know if it was because she was so tired, or maybe a little out of it, or because she really did want to, but she just wanted to kiss him. She wanted him to kiss her. She wanted to feel his arms around her, holding her close, making her feel safe.

“Did you want that hug yet?” he asked as their eyes met.

“I… yeah,” she breathed, her eyes following his movements as he moved closer to her.

“Come here then,” he murmured, holding his arm out for her.

She didn’t know exactly what came over her, but she moved to wrap both arms right around his neck, holding herself against him as her face buried against her. A half gasp, half sob escaped her lips as he wrapped both his arms around her waist, holding her close to him tight but gently. She knew her body had begun to shake slightly and she couldn’t stop herself from crying in his hold. She vaguely registered his lips pressing against the uninjured side of her forehead, which only made her cry more.

“I’ve got you,” he murmured, his hand gently rubbing over her back, “You’re okay.”

“I… I’m so tired,” she managed to choke out between sobs, her face still buried against his neck.

“Okay,” he whispered, his arms moving more securely around her, “it’s okay now.”

“Derek, I can’t… can’t stop,” she murmured, her voice slightly hoarse as the tears continued to fall, her breathing still faster than it should be.

“Look at me,” he said, his voice soft as he pulled back slightly and cupped her cheek with his hand, meeting her eyes with his own. As their eyes met, her breathing started to slow, if it was a little heavy, feeling a wave of calm through her body. But then she could see a sadness in his eyes, and suddenly her eyes were blurred again by the tears that just wouldn’t stop, “you’re okay. I’m here, and you’re okay. I don’t know what happened, why you’re injured or why you’re upset, but I’m here, and I’m not judging, and I’m not pushing. I just want to help, that’s all I want.”

“I don’t…” she lowered her eyes, moving closer to him again so that her face was buried against his chest, being careful of the stitches he’d put in.

“It’s okay,” he murmured, moving his arms around her again and just holding her close.

“I’m sorry, I’m a mess and… I know, I said… I know what I said about colleagues and… you’re my boss, and I just… I’m so confused,” she started to ramble.

“Don’t apologise, stop apologising. It’s okay,” he murmured, his lips touching against the top of her head.

“I… okay, I was about to, I’ll stop,” she found herself laughing slightly and looked up at him, her hand finding his and linking their fingers together, “Thank you, for being here.”

“I’ll always be here for you,” he said, and she felt like she’d never spoken to someone so sincere.

She found herself tilted her head towards his at an angle, moving her lips toward his, completely ignoring the voice in her head telling her to stop. This was what she wanted. This was who she wanted, right now. Their lips touched in a soft, slow kiss, her hand brushing over the side of his neck as she curled her fingers into his hair. She had never felt peace like this, as soon as their lips had connected her brain just stopped spinning. She was still beyond tired, but she couldn’t stop, especially not when he wasn’t stopping either. His arm were moving around her waist, gently moving her closer against him, and as she felt his tongue brush against hers she could even forget the slight pain in her back from the pressure of his hands.

She wanted more. She wanted more than just kissing him. She wanted him, so badly. She moved her hands to clutch at the hem of his shirt as she started to push it up, feeling his warm skin under her fingertips as she tried to pull him closer. She pulled her lips back slightly to catch her breath, but moved them lazily over his chin with soft kisses.

“Meredith,” he murmured softly, bringing his hand up to cup her cheek so that her eyes would meet his, “You need sleep.”

“I know… I just, I want, crap,” she squeezed her eyes shut, turning away from him and trying to ignore the stab of rejection in her chest. 

“Hey, don’t,” he murmured, moving up behind her and wrapping his arm around her waist, “I’m not saying I don’t want to. God, I want to.”

She felt his face bury against her hair, his arm tightening around her waist and bringing her closer against him. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop herself from crying again.

“Talk to me, Meredith,” he whispered, his lips close to her ear.

“I… tired,” she murmured, a small gasp escaping her lips.

“I know, I know you’re tired,” he said, his hand moving to her side, as he pressed his lips to her cheek.

“Fuck,” she muttered, wincing in pain as he touched the spot on her back just by her hip, where she didn’t even realise she’d hurt herself.

“What hurts?” Derek asked with a slight panic to his voice.

“Hip, my hip where your hand is,” she breathed, her eyes closing as she hid her face against the pillow.

“Let me check,” he pressed a light kiss to the back of her head, his hand gently moving to lift the hem of her jumper up slightly so he could inspect the area.

She heard his sharp intake of breath. It was bad. His reaction told her it was bad. He didn’t say anything but she could feel his fingers tracing her skin with the slightest touch. She didn’t want to ask, she didn’t really want to know. She’d probably see it later on anyway, she didn’t need to know now, though. She didn’t need him to ask.

“Meredith I… does any,” he swallowed, pausing a moment as she felt his fingers move up her side, “does anywhere else hurt?”

“I don’t… I guess, maybe,” she took a breath, moving onto her back and looking up at him, looking at the worry on his face, “I should sleep first. I should sleep, and then tomorrow… but sleep first.”

“Okay… yeah, sleep is probably best,” he agreed, laying beside her with his hand still under her jumper, caressing over her abdomen.

"Will you hold me?"

He moved closer to her, trying to be as gentle as possible as he pulled her into his arms, "Is this okay?"

She nodded as she turned into his chest, "Thank you."

His lips pressed a soft kiss against the top of her head and spoke quietly, "Sleep, I'll be here as long as you need me."

She could tell him. She felt like he was safe to talk to. She could trust him. She could tell him, and maybe that would help. Maybe he could help somehow.

She still didn’t know what she wanted to do. Jordan had cheated on her, again, and he had hurt her, again. They were married and she was lying in the arms of another man. Another man who made her feel safe, and secure, and all the things her husband didn’t.

_My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand, taking mine, but it's been promised to another._  
_I can't stop you putting roots in my dreamland, my house of stone, your ivy grows,  
_ _And now I'm covered in you._


	7. Chapter 7

He'd barely managed to sleep any before he was wide awake again. Meredith was still curled up against him as she slept, and he watched her as she slept peacefully. His fingers ran over her hair, pushing a stray stand behind her ear that had fallen out of her ponytail. After the night she’d had, he was happy to see her looking so peaceful as she slept. She had to have been exhausted.

He was glad he’d already made the decision for neither of them to be working the next day. He knew she said she’d work it after having to change her shift last minute, but there was no way, even as her boss, he could let her work. He studied the peaceful look on her face, previously laced with pain and hurt while she'd been awake, his mind coming up with all sorts of assumptions as to what had happened to her that night.

He did want to know what had happened to her. He wanted to know how she had gotten injured, how she had been left with an open head wound and the bruising on her back that spread over her hip. He didn’t want to push though. If he pushed, it seemed she would just run further away, close herself off even more. She’d told him she trusted him, and he didn’t want to lose her trust, because he was pretty sure she didn’t really have anyone.

He didn't just expect her to talk though, and he thought maybe, the best way to help her was to tell her more about himself. He'd tell her about Addison, about the way he'd walked in on her with another man, his best friend. He'd tell her about the divorce that had been finalised just hours before he'd met the amazing woman sleeping beside him. Regardless of anything else going on, he wanted whatever this was, or could be, to work with her and the only way to ensure that was to make sure he was honest with her from the start.

“Derek…” he heard her soft murmur as she moved slightly, a slight frown on her face.

“I’m here,” he whispered, his fingers gently running over her cheek as he sighed softly.

“Hmmm,” she hummed softly, her back stretching slightly as a wince left her lips.

“Hey,” he murmured.

“Time… hospital,” she mumbled, her hand finding his.

“You’re not working today, it’s just after midday,” he told her, but her eyes were still closed so he wasn’t sure she was even taking in the information.

“It’s warm,” she sighed, releasing his hand as she pulled off her jumper, leaving her in only her bra, and he had to control his anger as he saw the bruises on her skin.

“Meredith,” he breathed, his fingers tracing over her upper arm, over the purpling bruise, “how… what…”

“What?” she opened her eyes now, looking up at him and he watched as her eyes widened slightly in realisation at what she’d done, just as she pulled back from him and grabbed at the blanket to hold around her, “shit, I… I didn’t mean to…”

“No, no, it’s okay,” he tried to calm the panic he could see in her eyes, just wanting to hold her again.

“I think maybe you should… you should go,” she mumbled, turning away from him.

“Meredith, I’m not... If you really want me to go, I’ll go. If you’re telling me to go because you don’t want to tell me, or because you’re scared, I’m going to say something, or… I don’t know. But do you really want me to leave?” he asked, sitting up a bit more but keeping his distance, not wanting to make her anymore uncomfortable.

She turned slowly to look at him and he offered her a small smile. He really didn’t know what to do. He could see a tiredness in her eyes as she watched him, studying him as if trying to guess his next move, her shoulders slumped from an invisible stress. Her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she kept her eyes on him, and he wanted nothing more than to be able to know what she was thinking. He swore then in that moment, Meredith Grey was the most breathtaking woman he had ever laid eyes upon.

“I don’t want to be alone,” she finally admitted.

“Then you’re not going to be alone,” he shrugged, moving to lay back down, “We can just lie here and talk about anything. Or even, I can talk, and you can just listen if you don’t want to talk.”

“I want to get to know you more,” she suddenly said, seemingly out of nowhere, but he took this to mean she wanted him to do the talking.

“What do you want to know?” he grinned slightly, lay on his side and propping his head up with his hand.

“I didn’t think that far ahead,” she said, biting her lip again, sending him near insanity.

“Let me think then,” he mused, thinking about what he could possibly say about himself. He wanted to tell her about the divorce, but he couldn’t just jump right into it, she wanted to get to know him.

“Okay,” she sighed softly, moving onto her back as her eyes closed and he couldn’t move his eyes off her, completely losing his train of thought as he studied how her hair framed her face, “I know you’re staring at me.”

“Where else would I look?” he asked, feeling himself smirk slightly.

“Hmm, there’s a great view of the space needle if you look out the window,” she suggested, shrugging slightly with her eyes still closed.

“I still haven’t been to the space needle since I got here,” he told her, still not moving his eyes from her.

“Why not? How long have you been in Seattle now?”

“Not long, almost three months now, I think.”

“You’re everyone’s best friend, though,” she commented, opening her eyes again as she raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m just a people person,” he chuckled, meeting her eyes but she quickly closed them again.

“Why did you move to Seattle all the way from New York? Weren’t you in private practice?”

“Yeah, I was. It’s… complicated. Richard called me about the job, and I needed a change, private practice was getting a bit boring,” he told her, not realising she would ask the one thing he wanted to talk to her about, but it just didn’t feel right for that to be the first thing she really found out about him.

“I know all about complicated,” she laughed softly, an emptiness to her laughter that concerned him, but he quickly moved the conversation on.

“My favourite colour is blue. I don't like light blue, indigo,” he stated, watching as she moved onto her side, facing him but her eyes still closed.

“Something more interesting,” she murmured, and he wondered if she was planning to go back to sleep.

“I drink single-malt scotch?” he said, almost a question to see if it was the kind of information she was looking for.

“I knew that already.”

“You did?”

“I pay attention.”

“Okay… My mother’s maiden name is Maloney.”

“Hmm,” she seemed slightly impressed with the additional information, “what’s your… favourite ice cream?”

“Coffee.”

“Really?” she asked, her eyes opening to look at him as her nose wrinkled.

“Yes,” he chuckled, “what’s yours?”

“Strawberry.”

“A good choice,” he nodded.

“Why did you move to Seattle?” she asked.

“Why are you asking again?” he asked frowning slightly.

“You said it was complicated,” she shrugged slightly, a small frown appearing on her face as she moved to sit up against the pillows, making sure the blanket was still pulled up against her chest, but he was able to see the purpling bruise on her upper arm again.

“It was, I guess,” he sighed as he moved to lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling and running his fingers through his hair.

“You… you can talk to me about it, if you want,” she murmured, and he felt her hand on his.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to… unload on you, I guess,” he said, turning his head to face her as he linked their fingers together.

“I’m sure,” she said, the beginnings of a smile on her face as their eyes met.

“I… I was married. Was. Not anymore,” he sighed, as though just saying the words lifted a weight off his chest, “when we met, that’s the same day the divorce was finalised.”

“Oh,” she breathed, and he swore he could see a sense of understanding in her eyes, “that’s… why not anymore?”

“It was just so… pedestrian. She cheated on me, with my best friend. I came home from work and I just, I knew something was different. And I went upstairs, and they were in bed together,” he looked up at the ceiling again, focusing on her warm hand in his, the soft touch of her skin.

“That’s… horrible. Your best friend?” she asked, gently squeezing his hand.

“Yeah, I just left, right there and then, got my lawyer to get the papers together, I just… it was over. I knew it was over and I couldn’t go back there,” he shrugged a little before turning to look at her, finding her lost in thought as her eyes fixed on the opposite wall.

“So, you left to get away from her?” she asked, not looking at him, but he could swear her eyes were starting to tear up.

“Yeah, I mean, we worked at the same practice, but I think I just needed a fresh start, and I guess it sounds a bit ridiculous, but I wanted to find myself,” he explained, slowly bringing her hand up to his and gently kissing her knuckles as she turned her head to look at him again, shuffling so she was lay on her side beside him.

“That doesn’t sound ridiculous, I understand,” she whispered, seemingly still lost in thought and even though she was looking at him he was pretty sure she wasn’t seeing him.

“Did you come back from Boston for your mom?” he asked, his free hand reaching to push a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Partly,” she nodded, her eyes closing as his fingers brushed over her cheek, apparently not saying anything more on the matter.

“I live in a trailer,” he said after a moment of silence between them. He wanted to ask more about her moving here, but part of him didn’t want to confirm what he suspected, and part of him knew she would talk about it when she was ready. 

“You do?” she asked, her eyes opening again, a hint of amusement and wonder in them.

“Yeah, I own about 40 acres of land out on Bainbridge island,” he chuckled softly, a slight grin on his face.

“That actually sounds pretty amazing,” she joined in with his laughter a moment, “why didn’t you get a house or an apartment closer to the hospital? That has to be more than half an hour away.”

“It just felt more like me than anywhere I’ve lived since I lived at home with my parents,” he shrugged, his hand still lingering by her cheek.

“That’s what’s important then,” she nodded.

“You should come and see it sometime,” he offered.

“I think I might take you up on that offer one day.”

“What else do you want to know?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never really done this before,” she sighed softly, her lip catching between her teeth again.

“I guess the last time for me was over ten years ago,” he smiled in understanding, wishing she hadn’t bitten her lip again. He slowly moved his thumb to her lip, encouraging it out from beneath her teeth and brushing it over the slight indent left behind.

“Haven’t started dating again?” she asked, her chest rising and falling with a deep breath.

“Only you,” he murmured, wanting nothing more than to pull her closer but having to resist.

“We’re not dating,” she frowned slightly, and for a second he thought they might be taking a step back, but she moved a little closer to him in the bed, so their bodies were almost touching, the blanket dropping further down and stopping just below the strap of her bra.

“I know, I just… I mean, I waited until the divorce finalised, and then I met you, and there’s been no one else since,” he shrugged slightly, his fingers trailing from her cheek and over her neck to her collarbone, inspecting a slight blemish on her skin.

“Hmmm,” she closed her eyes against as he traced his fingers along her collarbone, her voice dropping to a whisper, “I… my collarbone broke last year.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever broken a bone. I have a scar on my forehead from when I crashed my bike, but that’s it,” he murmured, his fingers moving further along to her skin and tracing the shoulder strap of her bra.

“Your bike?” she asked, a sudden intrigue in her eyes as she opened them again, “Like, a motorcycle?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled softly, “that’s why I don’t ride them anymore.”

“As a neurosurgeon…” she trailed off a moment, lifting her own fingers to search out the scar on his forehead, pushing some of his hair back before he felt her tracing the near invisible mark, “No motorcycles.”

“Oh no, no motorcycles, my mother might kill me,” he grinned softly, as her fingers moved down along the slight crooked ridge of his nose.

“You’ve broken your nose before?” she asked after her inspection, her hand dropping again but staying close.

“Yeah. My best friend. He is, or was, more like a brother to me. Known him since we were seven and my mom practically raised him as one of her own. Punched me when we were twelve and it’s never been right since,” he chuckled fondly at the memory, even if thinking about Mark lit a small flame of anger deep inside him, he didn’t want it to show.

“And you never wanted to get it corrected?” she wondered.

“He’s offered. He’s a plastic surgeon now, thinks it’s his life’s mission to make everyone pretty,” he chuckled again, but he didn’t miss the way her smile faded slightly, and her body tensed for half a second, her eyes indicating she was somewhere else for that short period of time. He didn’t know what he’d said to cause it, but he changed the subject anyway, “That’s the only bone I’ve ever broken, anyway.”

“I haven’t had a broken nose yet,” her eyes met his again with a small, amused smile, as though she had told herself a joke in her own mind, “Fingers, yes. My arm… a badly sprained ankle, a few ribs.”

“And how do you get all these injuries?” he asked, genuinely curious but he was aware he could be stepping into an unspoken territory with her, and he didn’t know how far he should go.

“If you were to check my medical records, you would come the conclusion that I’m a fairly clumsy person,” she nodded slightly, her eyes clouding over a moment as she became lost in thought again.

He didn’t really know what to say to that, to ask about what she insinuated from that statement, so he stayed quiet. He moved his fingers over her upper arm, barely touching the skin where it was bruised, watching as her eyes closed again and she took a shaky breath.

“I wish I had met you years ago,” she murmured, taking another shaky breath.

“We’ve met now though,” he whispered, not quite sure what she was getting at.

“Derek, we can’t do this. We really shouldn’t… we can’t do this,” she opened her eyes again to look at him, “because I’m about to tell you something, and you’re probably never going to speak to me again, but I… I trust you enough to tell you.”

“You might be underestimating me there,” he chuckled slightly, still slightly confused as to where she was going with this.

He watched as she reached for her jumper, pulling it back on as she climbed out of the bed. He watched her as she paced at the end of the bed a little, one arm wrapped around her middle.

“We can’t do this, we can’t sit here and pretend, and I can’t lead you on. I can’t do this to you. You’re my boss, my colleague, we work together… this can’t happen. Nothing can happen between us.”

“Meredith, what do you mean?”

“I mean I can’t have an affair with you,” she breathed.

“How…” he frowned as he tried to understand what she was saying.

“Do you know the plastic surgeon, Doctor Jordan Adamson?”

“I… yeah, I’ve heard his name… wait, he co-owns that practice in Boston, right? What about him?”

“I’m… he’s my husband,” she let out a soft breath, “Professionally, and since I left Boston, I go by my mom’s name. I’m Meredith Grey, that’s who I am. But I’m also Meredith Adamson.”

“You… you’re married?” he all but choked out, feeling sick to his stomach.

“Yeah,” he watched as she sat at the end of the bed, her face buried in her hands.

“You… we, crap, no, I can’t,” he could feel himself starting to panic and his mind went blank. He found himself climbing off of the bed, pulling on his jeans and grabbing his things, “Why did you… you couldn’t say something? You’re only telling me now?”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, not lifting her head to look at him, “I never meant for… I didn’t mean…”

“You’re right, we can’t… we can’t do this. I can’t be that guy. I can’t… I have to go. We’re colleagues, I’m your boss… that’s it,” he said, pulling his jacket on. He couldn’t look at her. He could hear her slightly uneven breaths, she was probably crying, but he couldn’t do it.

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t respond. He needed to go. He couldn’t be caught in this. He couldn’t be the other guy. He left. He left the room, slamming the door behind himself, and he didn’t look back.

_People are people,_

_And sometimes it doesn't work out,_

_Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out._


	8. Chapter 8

He’d left. She’s told him and he’d left, just as she’d expected he would. She shouldn’t have been so surprised really; it shouldn’t have felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest. But it did.

She’d cried until she’d fallen asleep, and then she’d woke from a nightmare and cried some more. Then she’d got it in her head that Jordan might show up outside her door any minute and she had to leave. She’d loaded all her things into her car and she’d even checked out of the hotel. She’d find a new hotel later. Instead, she’d gone into work. The hospital… it was safe. He wouldn’t guess she was here. Hopefully.

She’d busied herself in the ER until an emergent case had come in, getting her in the OR until just now, eight in the morning. Monday. It was Monday. She needed to keep track of her days… she needed, she had to keep on top of things and not just work and lose track of time or anything. The patient has just about made it and had a long recovery ahead of them and her hole body ached, and really, she shouldn’t have been back in work yet, she should’ve taken a few more days off to recover but she couldn’t sit around and do nothing. Wait for him to find her.

She pulled off her scrub cap as she walked through the double doors, leaning forward against the wall beside the OR board, taking a moment. She needed to move, and eat something, try and sleep maybe. Take some painkillers. She groaned inwardly as she pushed herself off the wall, heading down the hallway to get to the cafeteria.

She felt alone. She’d been alone before, but now that she’d had a taste of not being totally alone, she hated it. The only person she’d felt like she could turn to, she had ruined things with. She’d told him the truth and before she could continue, he’d left. She didn’t blame him. She’d put him in an awful situation and she never should have slept with him in the first place. He was her boss for crying out loud, not that she’d known at the time.

Just as she reached the cafeteria, her pager started beeping on her hip to go see Richard. She frowned slightly as she turned on her heel to make her way there. She had no idea why he would want to see her, and she hoped he hadn’t heard about her head injury that had been made obvious by the bruising and try to send her home.

She knocked on the open door and glanced in to see him sat at his desk, beckoning for her to come inside. Her hands stuffed into the pockets of her lab coat as she moved inside.

“You paged, Chief?”

“Close the door, Meredith, and take a seat,” he nodded to her.

“Okay,” she nodded back, turning to close the door before sitting in one of the chairs opposite his desk.

“I heard you were wandering around with a head injury,” he commented, sitting back in his chair and studying her, “Have you had it checked out?”

“Oh, it’s fine and I have stitches, it’s just bruised, looks worse than it is,” she explained, her mouth going a little dry. Omitting the truth to Richard was one thing, but if she had to explicitly lie to him, she didn’t know how she would handle that.

“Are you sure you’re okay to work? I’m sure if you need a day or two, we can arrange that with Shepherd…”

“No, no, I’m good to work, it was Saturday and I rested yesterday, I’m good,” she gave him a small smile and a nod, hoping she was being convincing enough.

“Okay, if you’re sure. How is your mother doing?”

“She’s okay, I think, I was in Boston over the weekend so I’m going to go and see her later on this afternoon.”

“I didn’t realise you had gone back, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just a few things and Jordan had this event for the practice he wanted me to go to,” she shrugged slightly.

“Is he still looking to move out here?”

“I don’t think… not quite yet, maybe, things are going good for him at the practice.”

“Is everything okay between you two?”

“Things are… Richard,” she sighed as she started to tear up a little bit, looking up at the ceiling a moment, “I don’t think there’s much of a future for us.”

“Oh, Meredith, do you need to talk about it?”

“No, I just… if he calls, he doesn’t know I’m working here,” she took a breath, closing her eyes a moment, “He thinks I’m just here for my mom.”

“Is there anything I need to know?” Richard frowned slightly.

“No, I needed to get away, that’s all. I thought it would be best if he didn’t know,” she shrugged, her fingers twisting her watch around her wrist.

“Meredith, if you need anything…”

“I know, I appreciate that. Working helps.”

“Well then, I’ll let you get back to work, just come and see me, anytime, if you need to.”

“I will, Richard, thanks.”

She got up out of her chair and left his office, heading towards her own office, her hands shaking slightly. She could’ve told him. She could’ve just told him everything.

She sat in her desk chair, lowering her head down on her arms on the desk in front of her. She was tired, exhausted. Physically and emotionally. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do. Maybe she should just call Jordan.

She dug into her bag, pulling out her old phone and turning it on, fidgeting with the phone in her hand as she waited for it to turn on. She didn’t know what she was doing. She didn’t know what to do. Derek hated her, she had no one else to turn to. The phone buzzed in her hand as a series of messages came through. She didn’t want to look but she knew she probably should.

Just as she was about to open the messages, her pager went off with a 911 to the pit. Saved by the bell. She slid the phone into the pocket of her lab coat as she got up, leaving the office to head down to the ER. Her stomach still felt twisty and she just hoped if she got stuck into work, she could clear her brain and just focus on work, surely that would stop the twisting in her stomach.

“Dr Grey, over here!”

She looked up as she entered the ER, spotting her resident calling her over to the patient she was assessing. She took a deep breath before heading over, grabbing a pair of gloves and pulling them on.

“What have we got?” she asked, pulling out her pen light to start assessing the patient.

“Jane Doe, estimated to be in her 30s, blunt force trauma to the left side of her head,” the resident reported, “suspected fracture to her forearm along with suspected internal injuries.”

“Okay, we need to get her down to CT, do we know if she’s been conscious at all?”

“No, she was found unconscious and hasn’t regained consciousness since.”

“Okay, we need to get her to CT now, stay with her and page me when you get the scans,” she told the resident, who she really couldn’t think of the name of right now.

Her eyes looked over the patient, finding herself biting her lip as she took in all the injuries that she could see. She has no idea what had happened to this woman, but something about it made her feel uneasy. She quickly turned away, trying to shake off the feeling as she caught the elevator just before the doors closed.

“Oh,” she gasped softly, realising Derek was also on the elevator, and she spoke in a soft whisper with a slight nod, “Dr Shepherd.”

“Dr Grey,” he nodded back, not meeting her eyes.

She turned to face the metal doors, her fingers twisting the watch around her wrist. She could feel tears started to build in her eyes as she made every attempt to keep her breathing under control. She couldn’t break down in front of him anymore. She had no right to do that. She’d hurt him, and she didn’t deserve his comfort, if he would even give it.

“Are you good with the Jane Doe in the ER?”

“Oh, yeah, waiting for CT to come back,” she glanced back at him with a slight smile.

“Okay,” he paused a moment, “the injuries looked pretty extensive.”

“Yeah,” she breathed, feeling a tightness in her chest.

“Makes you wonder what happened.”

“I’m sure she’ll tell us if she wakes up,” she shrugged.

“Maybe.”

“See you around,” she said just as the doors opened, and she quickly escaped the confined space to head down to the ICU to check on her patient from that morning.

She could feel her phone buzzing in her pocket and she pulled it out to answer it, not having checked who was calling, and not even realising which phone she had pulled out. She stood rooted to the spot, her breath catching as she heard the voice on the other end.

“Meredith, you finally answered. Where are you?”

“Jordan… I…” she looked around a little, realising Derek was at the other end of the hall and she moved into a storage cupboard.

“You know I’ll just come and find you, so save me the hassle. Where are you? I want to talk.”

“I- I’m in Seattle.”

“I told you not to leave! You said you would wait for me! Why are you always lying to me?”

“I had to come back. My mom…”

“I don’t give a crap about your mom, Meredith. When did she ever give a crap about you? She never wanted you to be happy, she never even came to your wedding. Why do you care so much now? Why are you even bothering? Just leave her in the home and come back to Boston.”

“I can’t… I can’t come back.”

“Why not? What’s stopping you?”

“Jordan…” her pager went off and she scrambled to silence it, seeing the 911 flashing on the screen, “I have to go.”

“No, stay on the phone. Why can’t you come back?”

Her mind was racing. She needed to go. Her patient needed her. She had to go, but she couldn’t tell him that. She couldn’t tell him she’d taken this job because he’d be on the next flight out, if he wasn’t already, and ready to drag her home. She needed to stall him. She needed to do something.

“Jordan, I want a divorce,” the words left her mouth before she could think it through, and she held her breath waiting for his answer.

There was silence on the other end of the line, but she could still hear his breathing on the other end. A knock sounded on the door and her head shot up just as the door opened, Derek stood there and clearly about to speak.

She panicked. She pulled him inside, clearly shocking him, and really at this point she had no idea what she was doing but Jordan couldn’t know anyone else was here, or any hint at where she was. She pressed her finger against Derek’s lips to stop him from talking just as he was about to say something and Jordan started speaking again.

“I told you I was sorry for the… incident. It was an accident. You can’t just leave me, Meredith.”

“Yes I can,” she managed to get out, “My lawyer will be in touch by the end of the week. Please just don’t come to Seattle.”

“Meredith you can’t drop this on me and then tell me not to come and see you!”

“I have to go,” she breathed, buttoning the call, her hands shaking as she turned the phone off again, her eyes closing a moment.

“Meredith,” she heard Derek’s voice beside her.

“CT is back, right? I need to go,” she said just as her pager went off again and she went to open the door but he moved to stand in front of her, “What are you doing?”

“Are you okay?” he asked, his hand moving to her shoulder but she took a quick step back.

“I’m fine, but my patient won’t be if you don’t let me get to her,” she sighed, her arms crossing over chest.

“Right, okay,” he nodded, stepping to the side, “Can we talk later?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she said, opening the door and leaving the small room,

She stuffed her hands in her pockets as she made her way back down to the ER, taking the stairs this time to get there quicker. She’d wasted time speaking to Jordan and then more time had been wasted when Derek had stopped her, and it frustrated her to no end. She had a patient to get to and damn it if they were going to get in her way. 

* * *

She’d finally scrubbed out after surgery, the patient having coded twice on the table, and was now in critical condition in the ICU. She had already decided to stay the night and monitoring Jane Doe had given her an excuse. There was something about her as well, something that made Meredith want to know more. She pulled her scrub cap off as she walked down the hallway to her office, a sigh escaping her lips as she pushed open the door. She just needed a quick break and then she’d take some charts to the ICU to work on while she kept an eye on the patient.

Just as she sat down, taking a long drink of water, a knock sounded on the door before it opened, Derek stood there, again. She set the bottle down as she looked to him, curious as to what he could want when he’d left so quickly last night.

“Dr Shepherd?”

“Dr Grey, I was wondering if you had a moment.”

“Just a moment, I need to get down to the ICU to monitor my patient.”

“Can’t you have a resident do that?”

“I’d rather do it myself tonight.”

“You should be taking it easy with your head injury,” he said as he shut the door behind him.

“I’ll just be charting in the patient’s room, not running the ER,” she resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him. 

“Residents are here for a reason,” he pointed out, sitting in the chair opposite her. 

“I’ll be fine. I have nothing better to be doing anyway,” she shrugged as she grabbed a granola bar out of her desk drawer.

“Okay. And how is your head?”

“My head is fine,” she said in a quiet voice fidgeting with the wrapper in her hand.

“Good. I wanted to check in with you after what happened earlier…”

“I’m sorry about that, I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry.”

“Why did you?”

“I don’t really know how to explain that.”

“You could just tell me the truth,” he shrugged.

“It’s nothing, I just didn’t need questions, or… it’s fine.”

“Who were you talking to?”

“With all due respect, Dr Shepherd, I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“I… okay. I guess I’ll just leave you to it then,” he nodded as he rose out of the chair.

“I need to get back to my patient,” she said as she stood as well, putting the granola bar in her coat pocket before picking up the case files in front of her.

“I just… I wanted to apologise myself, I guess,” he said, turning to look at her as he approached the door.

“What do you have to apologise for?” she quirked an eyebrow at him, confused.

“I left yesterday. I said I wouldn’t leave, but I left and I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologise for, I get it.”

“No, I overreacted.”

“Dr Shepherd, there’s nothing to apologise for. I need to get to my patient, so unless there was anything else?”

“I… no, that’s… you go ahead,” he said as he stepped outside the office.

“I’ll keep you updated on the patient,” she told him as she locked the door behind them.

“Thanks,” he said, not seemingly going anywhere.

She shook her head slightly, turning on her heel as she made her way in the direction of the ICU again. Derek was being… strange. Last time she’d seen him, he’d been angry. He was angry and he’d walked out. Now, he suddenly wanted to apologise and she couldn’t let him. She had been in the wrong, she had lied, or lied by omission, and she wasn’t going to keep dragging him into her mess.

* * *

A soft groan caught her attention from where she sat in a chair in the corner of the room, and she lifted her head from the paper work in her lap to see the patient starting to wake up. She put the paperwork on the chair as she stood up and moved over to the bed, a soft smile on her face as the woman’s eyes opened.

“Welcome back,” Meredith murmured, “My name’s Dr Grey. Do you know where you are?”

“I… ouch,” the woman said with a slight frown, “I don’t… no.”

“You’re at Seattle Grace hospital, can you tell me your name?”

“Laura, Laura Michaels I… I don’t know what happened, why am I here?” she said, her voice hoarse.

“We were hoping you could help us with that,” Meredith said as she grabbed a cup of water for her, “Here, take small sips.”

“Thanks, I don’t really remember anything,” she said taking a few small sips.

“That’s okay, I’m just going to do a quick exam and then you can rest some more.”

Meredith took her time, checking her incisions and doing a quick neuro exam, satisfied that Laura’s healing seemed to be on track. She quickly wrote a few notes down in the chart as she spoke again.

“Is there anyone we can call for you Laura?”

“No, there’s… no one to call,” she said, sounding a little choked up.

“Are you sure?” Meredith looked up with a slight frown.

“Yeah, I… sleep,” she murmured, her eyes closing.

“Okay, there’ll be nurses coming to check in now and again, get them to page me if you need anything,” Meredith said as she put the chart down.

“Thank you, Dr Grey,” she murmured, clearly heading off to sleep.

She glanced at her patient, still feeling something slightly off about her situation. She’d been found in a hotel room by the police who had been called by a worker who’d heard shouting and was concerned. But she’d been alone in the room by the time they got there. Her stomach swirled slightly as she thought about it, and she tried to shake it off as she grabbed her files off the chair and headed out of the room. It was 3am and she needed a nap, or maybe just coffee. And probably somewhere to live.


	9. Chapter 9

She’d not heard from Jordan again in the past week. He hadn’t tried to call or left any messages for her, and it felt off. Something just wasn’t right, but she was too scared to try and contact him. She’d found a different hotel to stay in and had thought about finding herself a small apartment near the hospital. She could get her own apartment in her name, he wouldn’t have any ownership to it, no hold over it. She just had to make sure he didn’t know where she was living.

She sat at a table in the back of the cafeteria, near one of the windows as she scrolled through listings on her iPad. A soft sigh escaped her lips, not really finding anywhere that met the requirements she was looking for.

“Meredith? What are you doing here?”

She looked up as she heard the familiar voice, her eyes widening slightly as she recognised the person stood in front of her.

“Mark Sloan?” she breathed.

“The one and only,” he chuckled softly as he sat across at the table across from her.

“Why are you here in Seattle?”

“Why are _you_ here in Seattle?” he retorted.

“I… my mom. I’m here to help my mom,” she shrugged.

“You’re wearing scrubs and a Seattle Grace lab coat, I’m not an idiot.”

“I’m doing my fellowship here, it was easiest.”

“You got Jordan to move out to Seattle?”

“He’s back in Boston,” she lowered her gaze, avoiding eye contact with him.

“Long distance?”

“Something like that,” she shrugged, taking a sip of her coffee, “So what are you doing in Seattle?”

“Cleaning up my mess, the usual,” he chuckled.

“And what mess would that be this time?” she narrowed her eyes at him.

“Well, you know that woman I used to tell you about, my best friend’s wife?”

“Yeah, what was her name again?” Meredith asked with a slight frown as she tried to remember. Alison? Abigail?

“Addison,” he said with a sigh, “We kind of ended up having an affair, he found out and left her, but when she received the divorce papers she disappeared, basically ghosted me, so I’ve come to make amends with my best friend, I mean, he’s practically my brother.

“Right, but is he not back in New York?” her frown deepened as something about the name rang a bell, but she couldn’t think why, “Why are you in Seattle of all places you could go? It’s cold, it rains all the time.”

“Oh no, I wouldn’t choose to come here. But apparently, this is Derek’s city of choice,” he shrugged taking a sip of his own coffee, “he’s run away to live in the woods.”

“Wait, Derek? As in Derek Shepherd, head of neurosurgery?” her eyes widened slightly.

“Yes! You know him?” Mark grinned at her, clearly not quite registering the shock on her face.

“I mean,” she took a deep breath, “Yeah, he’s my boss. I just… you’re the best friend that slept with his wife?”

“Yeah, and I feel terrible about it, I really do,” he plead.

“I’m sure you do,” she said with a hollow laugh, her hand brushing hair away from the small bandage she still wore over her stitches.

“Woah, what happened to your forehead?” Mark frowned at her.

“You know me, clumsy, fell into a wall,” she shrugged, not meeting his gaze again, “Derek stitched it up actually.”

“Speaking of Derek…” he looked over her shoulder and she turned to see Derek approaching them.

“What the hell are you doing here, Mark?”

“Derek!” Mark said as he stood up, “Can we talk?”

“I don’t want to talk to you, go back to New York. Leave,” Derek said, his arms crossed over his chest as he glanced at Meredith, raising an eyebrow, “Don’t listen to a word he says, Dr Grey. He’s a backstabbing liar, and a cheat.”

“Mark? I know he is, that doesn’t surprise me in the least,” she laughed slightly, her hand moving over her abdomen as she felt nausea twisting in her stomach.

“You know each other?”

“Grey and I go way back,” Sloan said with a grin.

“I have to get going, places to be,” she murmured, picking up her iPad as she stood up, feeling like she would vomit any minute, “You two figure it out between yourselves.”

“Meredith, are you okay?” Derek asked her with a slight frown.

“I’m fine, I…” she frowned as she realised, she wasn’t going to make it to the toilets in time. She turned to the waste bins just as she threw up what little lunch she had eaten into it.

The bickering that had started up again between Mark and Derek silenced with the noise of her upheaval, and they both turned to look at her as she brushed the back of her hand over her lips. She grabbed a napkin off the table to properly wipe her mouth.

“Don’t, please,” she murmured, holding her hand up to Derek as he made to move toward her.

“I was looking for you, I need to take your stitches out,” he said to her, stopping where he stood.

“Well, you clearly have some catching up to do, find me later,” she sighed.

“I will also find you later,” Mark said to her, “Apparently you have a lot to catch me up on.”

She nodded as she moved between the pair, leaving them to whatever they had to do as she made her way out of the cafeteria. She couldn’t believe her stress had gotten so bad that she was now vomiting from it, and now she had a horrible taste in her mouth that she needed to get rid of.

She wished she had someone to talk to at this point. At this singular point in time she just needed someone to talk to. Her stomach was still turning slightly and she made her to her office, grabbing her toiletry bag before heading into the nearby toilets. She stood in front of the mirror, pulling out her toothbrush so she could rid her mouth of the vomit taste.

She stared at herself in the mirror in front of her, her movements slowing as her free hand pressed against the counter in front of her. She didn’t know what to do about Mark being here, she could tell him. Could she trust him, though? Was he about to tell Jordan that she was working here? Her head was starting to spin slightly as she put her things away.

Her heart skipped a beat. It definitely skipped a beat. Her eye caught a few tampons she kept in the toiletry bag, and it made her think. It really made her think. When had she last… it was definitely before she moved back to Seattle. She’d never actually had it at the weekend, that’s just what she’d told him to get him to back off, and maybe she’d been due, but it hadn’t actually happened. She closed her eyes a moment as she willed her body to calm down.

She just needed to know. Maybe it was just stress. It could just be stress. But there was the nausea. And maybe she was exhausted, but she hadn’t exactly been getting much sleep. When she really focused, her boobs were aching slightly. This really wasn’t helping. She just needed to take a test and find out for sure.

She gathered up her things and rushed back to her office, as fast as she could with her stomach still swirling. Really, she should take a blood test, but she didn’t trust anyone in this hospital to do that without talking. She definitely couldn’t get Derek to help her, because if it came back positive the only possibility was Derek being the father. She needed to get her head straight and just get this done.

She still needed to check up on her patient from Monday, who still hadn’t given any indication as to what happened to her, and Meredith wasn’t sure if that was because she didn’t want to speak or if she really didn’t remember. She could do this and then go and speak with Laura again, see if she could get her to speak. She just didn’t know what she could say to get more information from her. 

She made her way down to the clinic, making sure she wasn’t about to be stopped by anyone on her way there. She grabbed a pregnancy test from the store cupboard, slipping them into her lab coat before finding the nearest toilet. She just had to do this. She had to fight past the nerves and just know for sure, otherwise she’d be stuck not knowing, and that would definitely be worse.

She took the test quickly, holding it in a tissue and setting it on the counter as she took her time washing her hands. She didn’t even know what she would do if it was positive. She should tell Derek. She knew that she should tell Derek, she just… she didn’t know how she would. And it was for definite that Jordan could never find out. That would only end in disaster. She closed her eyes as the final minute passed, leaning against the sink as she dried her hands with a paper towel.

After counting to sixty in her head, she opened her eyes again, taking a deep breath before looking at the test. Positive. It was positive. She was pregnant.

“Fuck,” she muttered under her breath, grabbing the test to fully wrap it in the tissue before throwing it in the bin.

As she left the bathroom, her mind racing, her pager went off and she groaned. She didn’t need this. She needed time. She needed to sit and register this, make a plan. She checked her pager. It was for Laura’s room. She frowned as she hurried through the hospital. She needed to run but she was pretty sure she would end up vomiting again if she did that.

She reached the room, finding her intern trying to calm Laura down, who appeared to be having some form of panic attack. She moved to the other side of her, grabbing the oxygen mask for her.

“Breathe, Laura, breathe,” she murmured before looking up at the intern, “What happened?”

“I think she was having a nightmare, she was sleeping and then all of a sudden she jolted awake and now this,” the intern rushed as they spoke.

“Okay, I’ve got this. Do me a favour and fetch some fresh water for her,” she said as her hand rubbed Laura’s back, the patient’s breathing starting to calm.

“On it,” the nodded and quickly left the room.

“Alright, Laura, you’re alright. You’re safe here,” she continued to murmur, focusing on her now, “Does it hurt anywhere?”

“My… my ribs,” Laura gasped slightly as she spoke.

“Do you want something for the pain?”

“I… maybe, yeah,” she responded as she winced.

“Okay, we’ll get that sorted for you,” she assured her as she pressed the call button for the nurse, “You know you’re safe here, don’t you?”

“I think… yeah, I think so,” Laura nodded.

“Good,” Meredith nodded as the nurse came in and started to get the pain medication administered, “Get some rest, I’ll come by later.”

“Thank you, Dr Grey,” Laura said, her voice slightly hoarse as she grabbed Meredith’s hand in a weak grip.

Meredith smiled and gently squeezed Laura’s hand as the woman fell asleep, releasing it to quickly check her vitals and make a note in the chart before leaving the room.

Now she needed to deal with her own… problem. Except she couldn’t really call it a problem. She wanted a baby. She knew she wanted a baby, and over the past year she had wanted a baby with Jordan. Maybe part of her thought things would be better if she had a baby, that’s what he wanted from her. He wanted a baby.

But now she was pregnant and she could have a baby, and it wasn’t for him. It wasn’t his baby. This was her baby. She could have this baby, and she actually felt like she could go through with this. She could divorce Jordan, and live in Seattle, and have her baby. And maybe even… no she couldn’t be with Derek. But this was Derek’s baby too, she couldn’t keep his baby from him, that was cruel. She just needed more time before she told him. She needed to completely leave Jordan, be free of him. It’s not like she planned to not tell Derek, she wanted to tell him more than anything, but she needed time to get her life sorted first and then they could go from there.

She slipped into an on call room, pulling her phone out to see a message from Derek asking about her stitches again. She sighed softly, sending a quick reply to say she’d find him later before she kicked off her shoes and curled up in one of the beds. Now that she lay down, it’s like a wall of exhaustion had hit her and she was struggling to even try and keep her eyes open. She moved her hand underneath her scrub top and against her still flat abdomen.

She may not be in the best position, but she was happy about this. It was one thing in her life right now that she could be happy about, and she allowed herself this moment to let her mind wander and think about how happy she could be. She wanted this. She wanted this life with her baby, and she was pretty sure she would do anything to make sure it stayed that way. 

* * *

At some point she must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing she knew she wasn’t alone in the room. She wasn’t alone on the bed. She could feel the weight of someone sat by her feet. She could feel her heart rate quicken as she forced her eyes to open to see who was sat there.

“Mark, what are you doing…” she murmured, her voice slightly hoarse as she moved to sit up.

“We could all see it, you know. We all had our suspicions, but no one… I didn’t do anything,” he said, turning to look at her.

“What do you mean?” she asked, her voice quiet, her mind still slightly foggy and confused.

“Most of us, those who were watching. It was never spoken about, or questioned, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only person to notice. I think I know why you’re here and he isn’t, and it should never have come to this. I was supposed to be your friend, Meredith,” Mark explained, his arm moving around her shoulders.

“No, it’s not, it wasn’t,” she sighed softly, resting her head on his shoulder, “I pushed you away, I ruined our friendship.”

“I’m pretty sure that wasn’t your choice,” he pointed out, gently squeezing her shoulders.

“You won’t say anything right? About where I am?” she looked up at him, slightly worried even after what he’d said.

“He really doesn’t know where you are?”

“I don’t think so. He knows I’m in Seattle, but I haven’t told him I started my fellowship here.”

“He won’t hear anything from me. I might even stick around, see about developing the plastics department here.”

“And you’re sure Derek isn’t going to kill you if you do that?”

“I’ll use you as a shield,” he grinned.

“I’d rather you didn’t,” she raised an eyebrow at him as her hand moved to her abdomen, a wave of nausea passing over her.

“He looks at you like you hang the moon, so I figure he knows we’re friends, you vouch for me, I’m good.”

“He does not…” she shook her head.

“Anyway, no changing the subject. Was I right? That’s why you left?”

“Yeah, yeah that’s why I left,” she nodded, biting her lip.

“And no one else knows, I assume?”

“No, and I’d rather it stayed that way,” she glanced to him, “The less people that know, the better.”

“I won’t tell anyone,” Mark shook his head, standing up off the bed and gesturing to where her hand rested on her abdomen, “anything else you want to tell me?”

“Yeah, I guess… you might as well know everything and I can’t tell anyone else and I just want to tell someone and…” she laughed slightly, a grin on her face, “I’m pregnant.”

“We’re happy about this? Does… I mean, what about Jordan?” Mark asked, grinning back at her.

“I’m happy about this, I want this, I’ve wanted this for so long even if… it’s not the best situation… and it’s not his, it can’t be his,” she shook her head.

“Meredith…” Mark started, only to be interrupted by the sound of her pager.

“I have to go… he probably wants to take out the damn stitches,” she sighed, checking her pager, “Look, long story short I’m a hundred percent sure this is Derek’s baby. And I’ll tell him. I will. Just not right now, okay? And I know he’s practically your brother but just… let me do this.”

“Fine,” Mark sighed, “Just tell him soon before he finds out some other way.”

“I will,” she flashed him a smile before leaving the room, heading to Derek’s office.

* * *

He sent the page to her, hoping she was still even about. He needed to take out the stitches, but it also gave him an excuse to actually speak to her. They’d barely spoken since what happened in the hotel room, and he knew he might’ve overreacted, a little bit anyway.

He didn’t expect that she’d be married. He thought maybe a boyfriend, a fiancé at most… but not married. But she was running from something, from someone, and something in the pit of his stomach kept telling him it was her husband. He couldn’t just make assumptions like that though, that wasn’t his place.

He looked up as he heard a soft knock on the door, and he moved to stand up, grabbing his phone off the desk.

“Come in,” he called out.

“You paged?”

“Time to get those stitches out,” he smiled softly, taking in her appearance. She looked pale, and tired, but still beautiful. He still couldn’t get over how beautiful she was, regardless of her relationship status, it killed him that he couldn’t be with her.

“I figured,” she sighed slightly, fidgeting with the watch around her wrist.

“Are you okay?” he asked, frowning slightly.

“Yeah, I just… ate something bad, I think,” she shrugged slightly, a slight smile on her lips as though she was hiding something. He couldn’t read too much into it though.

“Well, we’ll get these stitches out and then maybe you should head home for the day,” he suggested, leading her out of the room.

“I… where are we going?” she frowned slightly as she walked beside him, and he didn’t miss her hand hovering near her abdomen for a moment before she dropped it to her side again.

“An exam room,” he chuckled slightly, opening the door for her as they got there.

“Oh,” she breathed as she walked in, taking a seat on the bed.

He moved around the room, gathering the things he needed to remove the stitches, setting them on a tray beside the bed as he stood in front of her. He looked up at her, smiling even though he didn’t feel like smiling. He was feeling that pull again, the one that just made him want to kiss her, and the proximity wasn’t helping.

“Ready to get started?” he asked, slowly pushing her hair back as her removed the small bandage over the stitches.

“Yeah,” she bit her lip slightly, lowering her eyes.

“Okay,” he nodded, starting to remove her stitches carefully, a comfortable silence falling between them.

He’d almost finished, gently tugging at the remaining stitches when he heard her suck in a sharp breath, her hand moving to her stomach. He stopped and took a step back to look at her, frowning.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just my stomach… I’m,” she took a deep breath, closing her eyes a moment before meeting his again, “I’m good.”

“I’m almost done,” he murmured as he stepped forward again, quickly working to remove the remainder of the stitches.

“Thanks,” she whispered.

“Everything looks good, no sign of infection and the wound has closed,” he assessed.

“Good,” she whispered still, her hand touching his bicep as she leaned forward slightly.

“Sure you’re okay?” he asked, his hand moving to her shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good,” she dropped her hand as she moved to get down and he stepped back to give her some space.

“Okay, well you should probably head home, you okay getting back? I can give you a ride if you need it,” he offered.

“Oh no, I should be okay, I’ll just grab something to eat and some water, I’ll be fine,” she gave him a quick smile, “Thanks for your help with… everything.”

“It’s no problem,” he nodded, moving his hands into the pockets of his lab coat.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her hand on the door handle.

“You don’t… don’t apologise,” he shook his head, moving toward her.

“I… okay,” she sighed, shaking her head slightly as she opened the door.

“Just… Meredith, I’m here. If you need anything, I’m still here.”

“Not… not right now,” she breathed as she left the room, letting the door close behind her.

He sat on the bed, pulling off his gloves with a defeated sigh. She’d pulled away from him again. Completely pulled away, and he didn’t know how to help her again, how to let her let him in again. He just had to be there if she did.


	10. Chapter 10

The weekend had passed in a blur of surgeries and sleep, and she was dying for a cup of coffee that she knew she couldn’t have. Her nausea hadn’t eased up any, but surely that wasn’t a bad sign.

She had an appointment up in OB in an hour, to check her over, confirm the pregnancy, make sure everything looked good so far. Then maybe would be a good time to tell him. For all she knew she was exhibiting all the signs of pregnancy and wasn’t actually pregnant, so there was no point in telling him until she was absolutely sure.

She sat at the desk in her office, opening up her emails to see that the lawyers had sent her a message to confirm Jordan had been served the divorce papers. She should feel relieved. She knew she should feel relieved, but her stomach was turning yet again, and she just felt more anxious if anything. A knock on the door pulled her attention away and she put the phone down, looking up as the door opened.

“Dr Shepherd?” she said, her mouth feeling dry, and she covered it as she coughed slightly.

“Dr Grey, I thought I saw you coming in. I have a case that I want you to work with me on.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“Tumour resection,” he said as he handed her the case file.

“Yeah, I can… I have an appointment at nine, though. I can come find you after?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine,” he frowned slightly, “is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just a check up,” she nodded just as she felt the vomit rise in the back of her throat and she covered her mouth with her hand.

“Are you sure? You look…” he continued to frown, stepping toward her slightly.

She turned to grab the waste bin beside her desk, thankful her hair was already tied up as she let herself vomit into it. Her eyes squeezed shut as she coughed a few times, tensing slightly as she realised Derek had moved to rub his hand gently over her back.

“You good?” he murmured, going to take the bin from her.

“Yeah,” she whispered, grabbing a tissue off her desk as he took the bin, wiping over her mouth.

“Now, are you sure you’re okay? I’m not going to force you to work if you’re unwell,” he said, crouching in front of her, his hand on her knee.

“I’m not… it’s just nerves,” she shook her head slightly, her hand resting at her abdomen.

“What are you nervous for?” he asked, reaching to push a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“You don’t… it’s fine, I’m fine,” she attempted to smile but it fell quickly.

“You’re not fine, Meredith.”

“My husband got served with divorce papers today,” she shrugged slightly, staring at the floor.

“Oh,” he breathed.

“Yeah, so, it’s nothing. I’m fine,” she took a breath before pulling back from him and standing up, “I should clean that bin out before the whole office smells.”

“Seems cosy in here,” Mark’s voice sounded as he walked in and Meredith rolled her eyes at him.

“What do you want Mark?”

“I need to talk to you,” he shrugged.

“Right, yeah, okay,” she nodded, swallowing slightly.

“What are you still doing in Seattle?” Derek asked, facing Mark now, his hand hovering by Meredith’s lower back.

“Today is my first day as head of plastics, haven’t you checked your emails this morning?”

“Webber actually gave you a job?” Derek asked in disbelief.

“Yes, Webber actually hired me,” Mark rolled his eyes, “Now, if you don’t mind, I need to have a private conversation.”

“Can you fight about this another time?” Meredith sighed in annoyance as she moved away from Derek, sitting on the couch and burying her face in her hands.

“What’s up with you, Grey? Besides the obvious…” Mark said, sitting down beside her.

“I’m fine,” she murmured, “if everyone could stop hovering, I’d be even better.”

“Meredith, you’ve been throwing up since Friday, you really should go home,” Derek said.

“I’m fine,” she groaned sitting back on the couch, “I’ll come and find you after my appointment, Dr Shepherd.”

“Right, okay,” he sighed, seemingly giving up for now as he headed toward the door, taking the bin with him, “I’ll sort this, let me know if you change your mind about going home.”

“I will,” she murmured, rubbing her forehead slightly as he left the room.

“You know, you could just tell him that you’re pregnant,” Mark stated.

“Mark it’s not that easy,” she shook her head, her hand covering her abdomen.

“It’s quite easy actually, you just tell him. You don’t need to do anything elaborate,” he shrugged as his arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her against him, “Now, the reason I came to talk to you.”

“Oh yeah, what did you want?” she sighed, closing her eyes as her head rested on his shoulder.

“Jordan called me. He found out I’d come to Seattle and asked if I’d seen you. Of course, I said no, I’m not an idiot. He started some sort of angry ramble and said something about a divorce…”

“Crap, yeah,” she sighed, “he got served them this morning.”

“And you’re okay?”

“Nervous. Which doesn’t help with the nausea and the sickness,” she said as she sat up, “I have my appointment in about half an hour though, they were able to squeeze me in.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” he offered.

“It is bad enough rumours might go round about me being up in OB, if you go with me it’ll only be worse. I’ll be fine, I’ll find you later on,” she shrugged, moving to stand again and grab a bottle of water.

“Have you had any breakfast?”

“I tried, it wouldn’t stay down,” she frowned slightly, leaning against the desk, “I take it you’ve made no progress on your mission to amend things with Derek?”

“Absolutely not,” he groaned, leaning back on the couch, “His marriage was over way before I slept with Addison.”

“I doubt that’s the way he sees it or wants to see it. Just give him time,” she shrugged, taking a sip of water as Mark’s pager went off.

“That’s me, I’ll have to head down. Page me if you need anything, make sure you come and find me later,” he said, getting up off the couch.

“I will, don’t worry about me,” she rolled her eyes at him.

“Don’t count on that,” he gave her a pointed look before leaving the room.

She was glad she had Mark on her side, but the hovering was getting to be too much. She didn’t need people; she was fine on her own. She’d practically been on her own for a while now, and she was fine being alone. She just had to get Mark, and Derek for that matter, to stop hovering, and hope that Jordan would just sign the papers and let the divorce go through without a fight, and without him flying out to Seattle. But she was well aware that was wishful thinking.

* * *

She clutched the sonogram in her hands as she stood on the elevator. If she hadn’t been happy before, she definitely was now. She was over the moon and she just wanted to share it with someone. Or maybe not just someone, with him. He deserved to know. She’d already kept the truth from him about being married, and if she kept vomiting in front of him, she’d just keep lying to him about a stomach bug that really wasn’t a stomach bug.

Six weeks. She was six weeks along and had another 34 to go, seven and a half months. It’s not like she could keep it from him forever. That was… unrealistic.

She stepped off the elevator, noticing Derek stood by the nurses’ station and she made her way over to him.

“Hey,” she murmured, standing beside him.

“Everything okay?” he asked, glancing at her.

“Everything’s good,” she nodded, giving him a quick smile as she took the chart from him, reading over the patient’s details.

“You still look quite pale,” he frowned slightly.

“I’m fine, really, I think it’s starting to pass,” she avoided meeting his eyes, concentrating on the chart in front of her.

“Alright, just let me know if that changes or you need to go, or anything.”

“I’m sure I won’t need to, but okay,” she nodded.

“Right, we need to come up with a surgical plan to resect this tumour. I’m pretty confident we can do it, but I want your take on it.”

“My take?” she asked as they headed down the hallway.

“Assessing you, I want to know your thought process, how you’d tackle it,” he shrugged as they moved inside the viewing room and he put up the scans for them to look at.

She studied the scans, the size of the tumour, its placement, her mind working fast to try and come up with a plan. He was distracting her slightly, watching her and she had to resist from glancing over at him. Her hand moved into her pocket, her fingers gripping at the sonogram as she wondered if she should just tell him, rip of the band-aid, no anaesthesia. Just get it over with.

“You’re facing the scans, but you stopped looking at them a few minutes ago,” he said suddenly.

“I… I’m thinking,” she said, turning to look at him and seeing the amused grin on his face.

“Thinking about how you’re going to tackle the tumour, or something else?” he asked, stepping toward her.

“I know how I’m going to tackle the tumour,” she nodded, biting her lip, her fingers gripping the sonogram tighter in her pocket.

“What are you thinking about then?” he tilted his head slightly, watching her, and she wished he couldn’t read her so well.

“Because I need to tell you about something, and I don’t know how to do it,” she turned back to the scans, pulling the sonogram out of her pocket but keeping it held against her as she wrapped her arms around herself.

“Okay… you’re being a little bit cryptic,” his voice seemed closer as he moved to stand beside her.

“I’m just nervous,” she murmured.

“Nervous to talk to me about it?”

“Yeah… I don’t know how you’re going to react at all, but you deserve to know, you have a right to know, and I don’t want to keep it from you any longer, so I should just tell you and it shouldn’t be this difficult, I just need to do it,” she took a breath, turning to face him, seeing the concern on his face.

“I guess I haven’t given you a reason to think I won’t react badly when you tell me things,” he sighed, “I mean, it depends on what it is you’re going to tell me.”

“I mean, I think it’s a good thing, and I’m happy, really happy about it, but you might not be happy about it, I don’t really know how you would feel I mean, we really don’t know each other that well, I guess,” she found herself rambling again.

“Take a breath,” he murmured, his hand moving to her upper arm, but she recoiled slightly, his hand dropping.

“Sorry, I’m… sorry, I keep trying to stop that,” she shook her head slightly, unfolding her arms but not showing the picture just yet.

“You don’t need to apologise, it’s cute,” he shrugged.

“Cute?” she raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly.

“That was… I probably shouldn’t have said that,” he laughed slightly.

“No, it’s…” she shook her head slightly, feeling a slight blush heat her cheeks.

“What’s that?” he asked, gesturing towards the picture in her hand.

“It’s… it’s what I need to tell you,” she bit her lip again, squeezing her eyes shut as she felt a sudden wave of nausea, which probably wasn’t being helped by her nerves.

“Can I see?” he asked, his voice softer.

“Yeah, that’s probably… yeah, here,” she held it out to him, her heart hammering against her chest as he took it from her.

She watched him as he studied it, his eyes widening slightly as he glanced up at her.

“Is this… you’re pregnant?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she confirmed, her voice a whisper.

“Oh, I… that’s why you were sick, and… congratulations,” he gave her what seemed to be a forced smile, “How long, I mean, when are you due?”

“I’m six weeks,” she frowned slightly, realising he didn’t know it was his baby, hoping he would figure it out from the dates, “I’m due in, well seven months.”

“Wait… six weeks, you mean,” he looked down at the sonogram again, going speechless as he moved to sit in a chair.

“It’s yours, there’s no way it could be… it can only be yours, and I need you to trust me on that,” she said, moving to crouch in front of him.

“You… we’re having a baby,” he murmured, moving his hand to hers that rested on his knee.

“Yeah,” she grinned softly, feeling her eyes starting to water as she watched the grin form on his face, and he looked at her with a look that she didn’t recognise.

“Meredith,” he breathed, cupping her cheek with his other hand, “You… I’m going to be a dad?”

“Yeah,” she laughed softly, tears running down her cheeks, “and I feel really emotional, and hormonal so just ignore the crying.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m about to start crying too,” he laughed slightly, “I just… I want to… can I hug you?”

“Please, yeah, I really need a hug,” she gasped slightly, a small sob escaping her lips as she stood up again.

“Hey,” he whispered, standing and moving his arms around her as she buried her face against his neck, “you’re okay, it’s going to be okay.”

“I just, I’m so happy, I am. But the timing is… it’s awful,” she murmured.

“I know this isn’t the best of situations,” he murmured back, his hand rubbing her back gently. 

“That’s a bit of an understatement.”

“I mean, you’re married and… I’m not saying I don’t believe you, I just… are you sure?”

“Oh,” her eyes widened slightly, looking up at him, “I’m sure, a hundred percent. There’s no way that… it just, it’s yours.”

“How… I know it’s early on, I just, I assume you haven’t told… him? If you know for sure it’s not his?”

“He doesn’t know,” she shook her head, taking a step back from him, “I should, I mean… I told you, he got the divorce papers this morning, I mean, I haven’t heard from him yet, so.”

“Oh,” he breathed, their eyes locked a moment before she dropped her gaze, “I don’t… why?”

“I…” she could feel her heart start racing as she thought on how to answer his question, and she most certainly couldn’t tell him the truth.

“You don’t… don’t answer, if you don’t want to, I just, I don’t really know what else to say,” he chuckled nervously, running his fingers through his hair.

“He hasn’t responded to the papers yet so I don’t know what’s happening right now, but I couldn’t keep this from you,” she murmured, her hand dropping to her abdomen.

“I’m still… I’m in a bit of shock, I mean, it was one night,” he stepped toward her, his hand touching against hers.

“I know,” she laughed slightly, her eyes tearing up again as she closed them, a few tears falling.

His free hand cupped her cheek, his thumb wiping at the fallen tears. She felt his lips press against her forehead a moment, lingering slightly.

“We’re in this together now,” he murmured, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“That makes me so happy to hear,” she laughed slightly.

“We can work out the details later, let’s just be happy about this,” he murmured as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Okay,” she whispered, burying her face against his neck, “We should probably go and resect that tumour.”

“Yeah, doing our jobs would be a good idea,” he chuckled.

“I’ll show you what I’ve got then,” she grinned softly, taking a step back and turning back to the scans, lifting her finger to show the steps she wanted to take, “So if we go in posterior…”

* * *

“What about this one?” she asked, turning the tablet to face Mark, showing him the apartment she’d found.

“Hmm, let’s see,” he took it from her, swiping through the pictures, “I mean, the kitchen is a bit small, but it’s nicely decorated, probably has some pretty good views, big windows.”

“I don’t need a big kitchen, I barely cook,” she rolled her eyes, “I like it, might as well go and view it.”

“Definitely put it down as a maybe, you never know what it actually looks like,” Mark shrugged handing her back the tablet.

“Will you go with me?” she asked, taking a bite of one of the crackers she’d found that didn’t upset her stomach.

“Sure,” he shrugged, “So, you told Shepherd?”

“Yeah,” she nodded with a small smile that she couldn’t help.

“Did you tell him everything, or just…”

“Just the baby. And the divorce. That’s it, no details,” she murmured, focusing on the other listing on the iPad in her lap.

“Do you not think that maybe he needs to know?”

“What good would that do? He doesn’t need to know. You know, and I know, and that’s enough. I don’t need more people knowing,” she sighed, leaning back against the couch cushions.

“Because this is about your safety, Meredith.”

“I’m fine,” she groaned, closing her eyes as she lay her arm across her forehead.

“We both know he could find you if he wanted to,” Mark said, no hint of a joke in his voice.

“He probably already has,” she said in a quiet whisper.

“And what are you going to do if he shows up here? Pretend nothings wrong? Let him hurt you again?”

“I’ll look into getting a restraining order, it doesn’t exactly help that I don’t have a fixed address right now,” she shrugged, lowering her arm.

“I don’t think a restraining order is going to stop him,” Mark sighed, “Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, and I’m not going to force you to do or say anything, but you need to be protected.”

“I don’t need anyone to protect me.”

“I hate to break it to you, but you do. And if I’m not around, someone else needs to know what’s going on, and I vote that person should be Derek.”

“I vote that Derek knows nothing about it, and my vote is the one that matters.”

“You know he must already suspect something.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Okay, let me rephrase that. I know that he suspects something isn’t right.”

“You don’t know, if he suspects something why doesn’t he just ask?” she rolled her eyes, “It’s a moot point anyway. I’m not telling him, and that’s final.”

“Suit yourself,” Mark sighed, “but if it comes to life or death, if he needs to know, I’ll tell him.”

“I really doubt it’ll come to that. I need to get going anyway, supposed to be checking in on Ellis, even if she has no idea who I am.”

“You can handle that one on your own. We’re friends and all but when I went with you last time… yeah, I’m not doing that again,”

“Thanks for the support,” she rolled her eyes, moving her legs off him and getting up off the couch in her office with a stretch.

“I support you plenty, you know who else could support you and would probably do anything for you? Derek Shepherd,” Mark said, getting up himself.

“Get off it, Mark, I’m not telling him,” she rolled her eyes as she grabbed her bag from under the desk, “I need to go. Keep your mouth shut.”

“Just think about it, okay? I’m only suggesting it for your own good,” Mark sighed, pulling her into a one-armed hug, “See you tomorrow.”

“Bye, Mark,” she sighed as he left the room.

She grabbed her coat and put it on, rubbing her forehead as she pulled her bag over her shoulder. She didn’t need to tell Derek. He didn’t need to know. She was starting fresh, starting a new life, and she didn’t need to bring it all up with him. They weren’t even together; they were just having a baby together. They were friends at most. No, he didn’t need to know. He didn’t.


End file.
